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One Moment

Posted: Tue Sep 28, 2021 9:17 am
by Cattleman
Recently, while thinking random thoughts, I recalled some lines from Geothe's "Faust (First Part)." I cound not remember them as originally written, but could not get theme out of my head. :hmm:
After some research, i found what I was looking for, but it just did not sound right. So, being inspired and in a creative mood, I penned the following. I submit it for your enjoyment or criticism:
One Moment:

If at one moment I could see,
All people, upon free soil, standing free,
No man enslaved, no woman oppressed,
All children well fed and warmly dressed,
Then to such moment would I say
On wonderous moment, stay, stay, stay.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2021 1:14 am
by BWM
I like it, the second line could use some work. I've read all Goethe's poems, a few of them are great favorites of mine. But Goethe's Faust is a bit dreary and long for my liking, but if this is the sentiment you got from it, then maybe I should give it another look.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2021 5:16 am
by LanDroid
That's a great moment, Cattleman. I used to think history was arcing towards that goal. Then I hoped that it might be doing so. Now the lust for power has dashed that possibility.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2021 11:23 am
by Cattleman
BWM, thanks for your suggestion. Any ideas on how I could improve it?

LanDroid, I fear you are right.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2021 1:32 am
by BWM
It's not bad as it is, but using the word free twice in the same sentence; obviously a compromise. If it was mine and I wanted to improve it, I would run that line through my head every night, and eventually it will come. There's nothing like that feeling when you wake up, and the words just pop into your head. And you have to jump out of bed and write them down, afraid you'll forget.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2021 8:41 am
by Cattleman
Actually, I changed that line the least from Goethe's original (Remember though, I was working from a translation; despite a German-Swiss background on my mother's side, I do not speak German). The original lines, as translated, are as follows:

"If the whole world I once could see
On free soild stand, with the people free
Then to the moment might I say,
Linger awhile, so fair thou art."

Re: One Moment

Posted: Wed Oct 06, 2021 6:07 am
by BWM
So Goethe himself used free twice there, sorry I thought you were inspired by Goethe's play to write that yourself. You say it's Part one, but which scene? I'll see if the version I'm reading is translated the same.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Wed Oct 06, 2021 12:02 pm
by Cattleman
I was inspired by Goethe, but freely admit my poem is adapted from his work. BTW, the line about the children is taken from a work-in-progree of mine, hopefully soon to be novella.

I have not read the entire Faust, so cannot give you any help on exactly where these lines occur.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2021 9:35 pm
by Harry Marks
LanDroid wrote:That's a great moment, Cattleman. I used to think history was arcing towards that goal. Then I hoped that it might be doing so. Now the lust for power has dashed that possibility.
An acquaintance from high school posted on Facebook, "To truly be peaceful, you must be capable of great violence. Otherwise you are just harmless." He is entranced by militaristic sci-fi, has been in the military his whole career, and generally is a curious mix of thoughtful and obsessed with being macho. I found myself wondering to whom would it be important to be "capable of great violence."

Recent work by Edsall in the NYT has noted that much of the Trump wing feels today's culture, especially academic culture, is not tough enough, not masculine enough. And it seems to me to be echoing my friend's post (he is anti-Trump, FWIW).

How much of this masculine angst is due to a lack of other sense of purpose, I wonder? Men who can see themselves as doing something important by being willing to fight for our country, but who don't see giving purpose to children or striving for access to security and prosperity for all as a worthy purpose for themselves. Judge themselves as not masculine enough if they are not out-doing someone else or proving their toughness. Or maneuvering for advantage to make boodles of money.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2021 1:38 am
by BWM
Posting something like that on FB would be a massive red flag for me, I would steer well clear if I was only an acquaintance, possibly Bi-polar. If it was a close friend or relative we'd be having words about a post like that though. As far as men like Trump go, that's you're classic bully; all front, picks on women a lot and men he knows aren't gunna be a physical threat to him. I refer to that GOT quote: If you have to keep telling everybody you're the king, then you're not really the king.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Sat Oct 09, 2021 12:56 am
by BWM
If the whole world I once could see
All people of every land standing together free
Then to the moment might I say
Linger awhile, and let this memory never fade away.

Once you put the seed in my head Cattleman, I had to have a crack at it, didn't I.
I think the last line is the weakest now. You could run it so many different ways.

Re: One Moment

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2021 8:57 am
by Cattleman
Very good, BWM, I actually think I like your opening line better than mine.

Anybody else out there want to take a shot at paraphrasing Goethe?

Re: One Moment

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2021 6:54 pm
by BWM
How about this for a collaborative effort:

If the whole world I once could see
All people of every land standing together free
No man enslaved, no woman oppressed
All children fed and warmly dressed
Then to this moment might I say
Linger awhile, so as this memory never fade away.

The last line is still not there for me; should the poem ask for the moment to only last in the writers memory? Your line: Oh Wondrous moment stay, stay, stay, is the right sentiment but the wrong wording. [Or maybe it's the perfect wording if we drop the ''Linger awhile''] What do you think? Can anyone help fix the end of this poem.