This Old To Catch A Predator’s House
(We see a man driving a pickup along a country road. We hear the rocking-chair laziness of a fiddle playing as the man driving sips from his coffee cup. He looks at the camera and offers a warm, New England smile. This is Tommy Murphy, host of PBS’ This Old House.)
Tommy (wicked thick Boston accent): Welcome to This Old House. I’m on my way to the home of Laura Fitch. We received an e-mail from Laura about her water pipes. With winter just around the corner now’s the ideal time to head downstairs into the cellar and get those water pipes insulated so they don’t burst. Let’s see if we can help her out. (Begins to whistle)
(Turns truck into driveway)
Tommy: Here’s the house.
(We see a young woman standing in garage)
Tommy: And…this must be Ms. Fitch's daughter…
(Shuts off ignition, and steps out of truck. Suddenly, the picture shifts to black and white, as though shot from another person's video camera. We watch Tommy approach the garage. He approaches woman, holding a Home Depot shopping bag. His cameraman follows, aiming camera at Tommy.
Tommy (addressing his cameraman): Now…let’s go have a look at—
Woman: Hey! I’ve got the hot tub going in the backyard.
(Tommy looks at the young woman, and then back to the cameraman, and then back to the woman.)
Tommy (puzzled): Um, is your mom or dad home?
Woman (leading quickly): Nope. (Walking into background) Why don’t you come back here with me?
Tommy (reluctant, confused): …is that where the cellar door is?
(Now the scene changes abruptly, and we are in the backyard. There is a small liquor bar set up replete with glasses and a bowl of chips. A hot tub bubbles in the background. The grainy, black and white camera shot zooms onto Tommy and his cameraman, who look around, confused.)
Woman (disappearing behind latice partition): Pour yourself a frozen daiquiri. I’m changing into my bathing suit. I hope you got something special for me in that bag?
Tommy (very nervous, smiles tightly.): Um…(Looks at his cameraman who shrugs, but keeps taping…) This is 612 Main Street, right?
Woman (off-camera): I can’t hear you over all this bathing suit changing. What’s in the bag? Beer? I hope it’s beer. I love to drink.
Tommy (extremely confused): Um…(shakes head, absolutely confused) pipe insulation? (Leans in, speaking louder) I’m from This Old House. That’s a…that’s a show on PBS--
(Suddenly a man walks out from behind partition. He is dressed in a suit and is holding a clipboard.)
Man (incredulous): Really? PBS. Is that where you’re from?
Tommy (straightens): Oh. (Offers a hand to shake) Mr. Fitch?
Man: I’m not Mr. Fitch. (Gestures to bar): Why don’t you have a seat.
(Tommy sits. Man stands in front of him. He stares at Tommy for almost a minute.)
Man: I see you brought your own camera.
Tommy (Smiling): Yeah…
Man (staring, does not blink): I guess you really wanted to have some fun today?
Tommy (totally lost): Um…you’re not Mr. Fitch?
Man: No I’m not. (Pointing to partition) But I’ll tell you what. She’s only thirteen.
Tommy: What?
Man (looks at clipboard): I’m going to read an e-mail you wrote in the chat room, SexFinder.com. (Reading): “…I have to warn you, baby. I’m kinda big downstairs. (Looks up at Tommy) What’d you mean by “big downstairs”?
(The expression that registers on Tommy’s face is somewhat difficult to describe. His mouth is half-open, and his eyes are squinting, trying to figure out what he’s just heard.)
Tommy (quiet): I’m sorry?
Man: Were you talking about your penis?
Tommy (eyes widen): What?
Man: Your penis is large? You were telling her you have a very large penis?
Tommy: I’m sorry. I’m a little lost. I’m from This Old House. I don’t know anything about…(eyes dart) that. I’m here to insulate some pipes (Mugs to his cameraman) And, folks, you know how serious that can be. An exposed pipe can freeze within hours during winter, and cause all sorts of problems.
Man: Who are you talking to?
Tommy (Still addressing his cameraman): Now…if we can find Laura Fitch really quickly I’ll show you the differences between 3 and 2 ¼ inch foam insulation.
Man: Is that your web-cam? Is that how you talk to them?
Tommy (turns, annoyed): Talk to who?
Man: To the scores of underage minor girls online. (Waves clipboard) It’s all here…(reading) HotTongue98. (Looks up) That is what you call yourself, isn’t it?
Tommy (Looks around): …I think I have the wrong house.
Man: Hold that thought. (Lifts clipboard) Let me read you something else. (Looks at page on clipboard, traces words with finger) “…When we get together, baby I’m gonna go Pinocchio all up in your Geppetto. Like over and over again. Do you know what I mean by that? Do you? I mean I tell a lie and my Jiminy Cricket goes all crazy and big. Baby, when I’m done with you there’ll be enough room up there for all the Seven Dwarfs, including Sneezy.” (Looks up, starring at him for a second) What’d you mean by that? “…including Sneezy”? (Shrugs) Did you mean sex? You wanted to have sex with her?
Tommy (smiling nervously): I really don’t know what’s going on.
Man (nods): What’s in the bag?
Tommy: That? That’s my bag.
Man: Yeah I know.
Tommy (defensive): That’s for her pipes.
Chris (Opens bag…) Her “pipes”? (Smirking) That’s an interesting way of putting it. (Looks in bag) What do you have in here? Condoms? Lubricant? Is that what you brought? (Holds up tube of caulking) What’s this? (Stares at him) Is this for her?
Tommy: That’s my caulk--(BEEP)
Man (stunned, mouth agape): What did you just say to me?
Tommy: It’s my caulk--(Beep) (He looks around) Where’s that noise coming from?
Man (closes bag): Let me ask you something, all right?
Tommy (shifting in chair): Okay.
Man: Ever hear of a show called Dateline?
Tommy: Dateline?
Chris (folds arms): Ever heard of the segment To Catch A Predator?
(Just then an entire film crew appears from behind partition. Tommy looks around, totally alarmed. He stands at once.)
Tommy (throws up hands): Whoa…hey. I don’t know what’s going on here, but obviously this is not Laura Fitch’s house. (Tells cameraman to “cut” rolling) We’re gonna get going.
Chris (following Tommy toward garage): Do you think it’s right to have sex with a 13-year-old?
(Tommy pushes his cameraman through front door. They start across front lawn.)
Tommy (mumbling): We’re at the wrong house. We’re at the wrong house. This is that—show where they arrest perverts. This is not—
Cop #1 (leaping out of bush): Put your hands on your head!
Cop #2: Drop the bag! Drop the bag!
(Tommy and the cameraman freeze beside their truck. An array of policemen rush at them, aiming guns.)
Tommy: Holy Fu--(BEEP)
Cop #3: Put the camera down, sir.
Cop #4 – 9: Get on the ground. GET ON THE GROUND!
(We watch as Tommy and the cameraman sprawl prostrate onto the front lawn. Handcuffs are clicked onto their wrists, and then they’re dragged away. And as they’re pushed into a patrol van, we see a creepy looking guy in a jogging suit lower his head and walk briskly down the sidewalk and past the house.)
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This Old House meets To Catch a Predator - an absurd play
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