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The crickets first song 
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Post The crickets first song
hey guys
I just started writing poetry (I'm more of a fiction writer)
but I hoped you could tell me what you thought

#1
I hold my friends like enemies
Letting my stone shelter sink into ruin
A desperate affair leaving my rock in shambles
I’m alone
The plains frighten me like the scared rabbit
Hiding beneath the ground in hopes for serenity
I peek my head out to burning cities
Smelling the smoke stained air
I seek peace
That frail dove that soars in the crossbeams of heaven
Leaving all on the ground in a state of tranquility
The sunbeams of hope pierce the doves downy wings
And through to the rock building it high into the firmament
i stand with my company
alone no more

#2

The calm before the torrent that will leave my heart in disarray
Hope is a silver lining aboard a ship of unwanted memories
I break away to nostalgia
The sun on the pavement
The pulsating beat of mothers hand in mine
Her laughter as she tweaks my buxom cheek
The vision weakens
I brace myself for impact
I’m coming home

#3

A calm inertia
Like bullets in pristine waters
carries me like the fallen leaves off of last years dying oak
The silence is overbearing
I find chaos in the serenity
The forest is painted before me with the hands of Picasso
Stuttering blues and greens
The colours remind me of summer
A summer spent in your arms
I lay back in remembrance
And hear your heartbeat beside me

well guys thats it for now
let me know what you think! :smile:



Last edited by jasoncope on Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Thu Sep 10, 2009 10:11 pm
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no thoughts?



Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:32 pm
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anyone? lol



Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:23 pm
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Post 
Hello jasoncope:

Quote:
The calm before the torrent that will leave my heart in disarray
Hope is a silver lining aboard a ship of unwanted memories
I break away to nostalgia
The sun on the pavement
The pulsating beat of mothers hand in mine
Her laughter as she tweaks my buxom cheek
The vision weakens
I brace myself for impact
I’m coming home


I really like this passage. I'm on the other side, however, I am the mother, but I also break away to nostalgia. It hurts sometimes.

I like your writing style, and I was able to capture your sense of sadness. I can't quite pin point exactly the full meaning, but I am not one to read much poetry. I will have to read it again.

What else do you write, short stories by any chance? You said you write fiction, would you be willing to post more of your writings?

You may want to re post this poem in the poetry forum, Saffron is our resident expert on poetry, her opinion is worth a great deal more than mine. Alas, I do not read much poetry. Sorry it has taken so long for you to get a response.



Wed Sep 16, 2009 9:17 pm
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