Thomas wrote:
I tell both genders the same: "paralinguistic signs" -- gesture, tone, pitch, speed of expression, pacing, vocabulary selection, choice of topic, level of formality, symbolism, unconscious suggestion, timing, repetition, . . . . People quite unconsciously wholly put themselves in what they say, do, and write. That's where the true self is. Me too. Expression is so complex that no one can totally fake a false front. This is not a popular idea because people so much want to be in control of the presentation of themselves. I am of the opinion that we would be better off if we would often ignored what people say (reference) and attended to how they say it (revelation) -- the spirit in which what they say is said. And I hope that I would be treated the same way.
Well, yes. There is nothing I disagree with here. In fact at work I'm supposed to teach people to be aware of those modes of communication you call "paralinguistic signs" and to do what we somewhat less elegantly call "meeting people where they are at." But having unconscious motivations, and still learning because I am human, makes this an ongoing process.
I also agree that everyone has "a voice" that can be "heard" even in writing, and that this can't be completely controlled.
I do think there is a certain tendency among men I have met to attribute less self-awareness to women as speakers and actors than...I like, anyway. It reminds me of St. Augustine saying that pagans "spoke more truth than they knew" and using what they said to demonstrate Christian truths as universal and eternal.
All this has nothing to do with
your personal motives and intentions; it's a notion I had about what men do before I knew you existed which may distort my interpretation of what your unconscious motives or assumptions might actually be. You could have some of those notions about people too, and think you were seeing an unconscious motive of theirs if they denied it. (It could happen to anyone.)
Another aspect of our training is to identify what our communication modes are, where they come from, and that not everyone shares them or our interpretations of them. We try not to assume, to check in about our understanding of what the person is saying and to let them be the authority on what they mean, how they feel, what they want, how they label their experience and so forth. I've always been hypersensitive to other people's interpretations of me, and I'm not sure if this work environment has helped with that or not.
In short, yes, I wish I could control what other people think I mean and who they think I am. What it helps to remember is -- they don't care! They care what I think
they mean and who I think
they are, and they want to be the final commentator on that. Which is okay with me.
I know you meant what you said about unconscious power in a kind spirit. And it was clear the other meanings were not what you suggested. They just illustrated my learning process.
"Where can I find a man who has forgotten the words so that I can talk with him?"
-- Chuang-Tzu (c. 200 B.C.E.)
as quoted by Robert A. Burton