Hello, I made this poem a little while ago and needed help on criticism.





First drink

She held the glass with trembling hand,
And watched the bubbles surface.

The music played, the people talked
But note and word, she never heard.

A maternal voice, sounded out
And told her "Take a drink"

She tipped the glass,
And drank it hollow

And then, she thought no more

Is it so bad that it doesn't warrant response

There is a intense relationship between mother and daughter. This comes through in your poem. Girl is afraid but hears moms voice. What is mom saying. "Go ahead, wreck your life". Why is mom saying this? Girl listens and fades into oblivion. The intensity between mom and daughter needs more explanation. Poem has strands, needs some roots. It is thought provoking.

Suzanne wrote:There is a intense relationship between mother and daughter. This comes through in your poem. Girl is afraid but hears moms voice. What is mom saying. "Go ahead, wreck your life". Why is mom saying this? Girl listens and fades into oblivion. The intensity between mom and daughter needs more explanation. Poem has strands, needs some roots. It is thought provoking.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it immensely. I'll work on it with what you said in mind.

I liked it I didn't really catch an overall meaning, but often that is fine. I write very encrypted poems myself, and they often have hidden messages amongst chaos.

it seems fine just like it is to me.

which means i suppose that i had no problem reading the words you wrote and applying personal meaning to them.

i always remember don maclean said he stopped telling people what the words to american pie meant because he often found the meaning they had given his lyrics more interesting than what he meant when he wrote them.

After reading again I got more the meaning. I don't know how it slipped passed the first time. Glad I got and email notification.

The last line is strong, but to make it resonate even more you might hint about what she was thinking. Between stanzas 2 & 3 insert something like the following which could be either specific or vague.

She thought about QXF and thought about XYB

Dunno, just an idea...

I like that it has left us with some self interpretation, but agree that the maternal relationship could be more reinforced simply to give it more of a statement. Thank you for sharing with us. Keep it up!