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Can someone give me some helpful criticism?? 
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Post Can someone give me some helpful criticism??
Hi everybody! I need some help with my story here.

It's about a girl named Mele who takes her little sister away from their abusive uncle. Her best friend, Jori (who is a boy), helps them find a place to live. The thing is that Jori has a really big secret and once Mele finds out about it, everything changes. There are some other things in between but eventually Mele finds this letter from her mother (who she thought was either dead or in captivity) and sets out to find her. Jori comes along, naturally, to "watch out for Mele in case any harm should come along the way". At least that's his excuse. And on they go. Hey, I can't give you all the juicy details.

So this is the prelude or the preface or whatever you want to call it. I would really appreciate it if you would read it and give me some feedback. Too much detail, not enough? Am I giving away too much right at the beginning? Any criticism -good or bad- would be great. Thanks so much!

Preface

I stood there, looking at the reflection of the beautiful sunset over the shining water at Sulfur Springs, worrying. I knew that our future relied on getting home as fast as the dragon flies. It was a long ride back to my uncle’s house, though, and I was afraid of what would happen if we were too late. All was quiet. Despite my calm surroundings, I started to panic.
It was like I was on the edge of a cliff and about to fall. I needed help getting to a safer place. I wanted a hand to pull me back to the surface. That’s when I felt his eyes on me. He could sense my distress, as always. I turned around, eager, for once, to meet Jori’s stare. The agony on his face made me want to cry. He was hurting for me.
He cared about me so much. I knew he wanted to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that there was nothing to worry about. But that would be a lie, and Jori wouldn’t lie to me. Not now. Not after all we’ve been through. There was nothing he could do to make me feel better. No way to distract me from my thoughts.
I didn’t know how wrong I was…
He walked slowly, his eyes holding mine the entire time. When he was standing before me, Jori took my face in his hands. The skin was rough but somehow it felt like silk. I stared up into his dark green eyes. They looked calm, but I knew better. He was nervous.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I had longed for this moment since the first time I had met Jori, but I could never make myself take the plunge.
I am still confused about my feelings. I don’t know what to make of them. I know that I am in love with Jori. There’s no point in denying that now. And it seems like Jori is in love with me, too. But do I really want him to love me? Is that safe…? That, I don’t know.
Jori leans down slowly, giving me a chance to refuse him, but I stay still. I can feel the passion inside of me, wanting to break free. I have forced it back for so long and now I have no control. I can’t bring myself to stop him.
I know that this kiss will cause me pain in the future. I know that whatever happiness comes with this moment will turn into anger and sadness later on. I don’t want those things to happen, but none of it matters to me right now. We are too caught up in the present to even acknowledge the truth.
Our love for each other can never be…



Wed Apr 06, 2011 4:15 pm
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Post Re: Can someone give me some helpful criticism??
It's hard to say whether you're giving away too much since I don't know how much you're withholding relative to how much you're revealing.

It sounds like Mele and Jori's relationship is on the verge of a dramatic change.


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Wed Apr 06, 2011 9:32 pm
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Post Re: Can someone give me some helpful criticism??
You're right about that. They are in for a big change, although this scene is more towards the end. That's why I don't know if I'm giving away too much detail. Does it seem okay to give the reader a big clue at what's happening near the end of the story?



Last edited by AudreyW on Thu Apr 07, 2011 3:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Thu Apr 07, 2011 3:19 pm
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Post Re: Can someone give me some helpful criticism??
You write well.

Need more detail. Need to flush it out more.
Lastly, watch out for things like where you said something about w/e being rough but soft as silk—you might think that sounds good, but it makes no sense. You could say his hands or w/e are hard (not a texture but solid, strength, power), yet feel like silk, but you can't say they're rough (texture) yet feel like silk (also texture.)

Good luck



Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:59 am
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Post Re: Can someone give me some helpful criticism??
I stood there, looking at the reflection of the beautiful sunset over the shining water at Sulfur Springs, worrying.

As a reader I'd rather see what makes the scene beautiful to the speaker, rather than being just told that it's beautiful, like "Rays from the setting sun settled on rippling water and made the springs look like golden ale." just an example. But your speaker is probably a child and so description won't be that poetic.


knew that our future relied on getting home as fast as the dragon flies.

I thought at first that you meant an actual dragon and how fast it flies, but then realized that it was the insect :lol:. I like it. It isn't a cliche like "quick as lightning" and it evokes some emotion. Maybe dragonflies are special to the speaker? Maybe they evoke some nostalgia for her past?

he skin was rough but somehow it felt like silk.

Yeah this was problematic too.


Overall I feel like you've described too much. There's too much exposition and you gave too much away.


The story sounds interesting though and I liked the little details like the similes you used and such. Just need to shape it up. Your narrative hook is good too. I want to know why getting home on time is so important.



Wed Jun 12, 2013 1:34 pm
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