My novel, Threshold:Part 1 is horror, sci-fi and fantasy all wrapped togther. If anyone is interested please check out my blog. The final draft wont be ready for a little while since I literally just finished writing the rough and still have to edit it but my blog has the first three chapters available to give anyone interested a sneak peak which is only a small taste of the whole story. I just made the blog today so there isnt much to it yet but it will grow. Theres a link in my signature. Thanks a lot!

The rough draft is just over 80,000 words. I am thinking this might be a good place to post the first three chapters as well.

Post a little of it here, please Justin. I do my forum browsing during lunch at my workplace and the computer here bans blog sites. I'd be glad to give it a critique, either publicly on the forum or by private mail, if you prefer.

I will, my internet is in and out so I cant say when. Im not on my laptop right now.

First three chapters of Threshold Part 1, cut from the rough draft




 

 

THRESHOLD

PART 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

BY JUSTIN LINDNER

 

 

 

 

 

                               Section 1: A FRAGILE NEW WORLD                       

                                        CHAPTER 1   “The Café”

 

     It was a hot Florida day in Orlando.  As usual Interstate Four was packed with homicidal and suicidal traffic and the amusement parks were loaded with tourists from around the world.  At an outdoor eating area of a café on International Drive people were eating lunch.

 

“It’s a nice day were having.” said Andy.

“Hot…” said Steve.

“You complain too much, things could always be worse.” said Andy.

“I guess.” said Steve.  “What the hell is that?!”

“What?” said Andy?

“There’s like a black haze above a group of building off in the distance there.” Steve said and pointed to a thick black cloud hovering over some building probably less than a mile away.

“Oh, ya I see it now! It looks like it’s getting bigger, or coming closer!” said Andy.

“I wonder what it is, it doesn’t look like smoke” said Steve.

Their waitress came to their table.  “Is everything alright?” she asked?

Andy and Steve were both staring at the “cloud” at this point, which had doubled in size.

The waitress looked in the same direction they were staring.  “Oh my God, what is that?!” she said.

Andy looked over at her, Steve kept staring.  “I don’t know but it can’t be anything good.” said Andy.

     At this point everyone had stopped eating and was staring at this mysterious black cloud that had doubled and size and now seemed thicker and darker black.

 

“Maybe we should get inside” said Steve, who had turned back around.

“Yeah let’s do that until we know what’s going on” said the waitress. “If everyone would please move ins-

She was cut off mid-sentence by a terrible scream.

A woman was swatting the air around her. A man with her was now swatting the air too.  Steve and Andy walked over for a closer look and saw what was happening.

“Get them fucking off of me!” screamed the woman.

The man fell back into his chair and stopped moving, a second later the woman collapsed to the floor.  They both had small black gnats crawling on their skin and now there were other screams around the café.

“Let’s gets inside, NOW!” yelled the waitress.

Everyone ran for the door and once inside it was slammed behind them.

“What the hell is going on?” said Andy?

“I don’t know I’ve never seen such a thing!” said Steve. “If it was bees I could see people collapsing after stings if they were allergic, but gnats?”

“I’m calling 911” said the waitress.  She picked up a phone and her arm stopped midair before she dialed. “It’s down.” She said.

“Mine cell is dead too” said someone else.

    About a minute later it was discovered that no phones were working.  It had now gotten darker outside.  The black “cloud” now covered the sky in all directions as far as they could see including directly above their café and the consensus was now that it was no cloud. It was a massive swarm.

    All of the sudden there was a pounding on the doors leading to outside where everyone had just been eating.  In their panic everyone had left the man and woman who collapsed outside as nobody wanted to get close after seeing what the gnats did to them.  The pounding was the woman they had seen fall banging her fist on the door which was made of glass.  The man she was with was lurking behind her.

“Oh my god, we left them out there, should we let them in?” asked an older lady.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” Said the waitress, who then, followed by a few other people walked a little closer to the door to get a better look.  The waitress gasped at what she saw and fainted. Just as she was about to hit the ground hard someone caught her and gently laid her down.  The rest of the people were speechless. 

    The woman who was pounding on the door was covered in insects. Not just gnats now but small and large ants, love bugs and mosquitos.  She was bleeding from her eyes, ears, nose and mouth and there were bugs crawling in and out of her.  She kept pounding on the glass which was starting to crack like a spider web and now her man had joined the fun pounding on another part of the door.  He was in equally bad shape.  Neither of them seemed to be aware of the insects all over and inside them them despite having swatted at them earlier.

“They’re going to break that glass!” said Andy

“We need some way to defend ourselves!” said Steve.

Andy was a concealed handgun carrier and pulled out a small 357 magnum revolver.  “One step ahead of you, but you should look around for something”

“I will ask the staff about kitchen knives!” said Steve. 

     As he said that the glass came down and the man and woman walked inside.  Broken glass sliced the woman’s arms open and she started bleeding from deep cuts but didn’t even flinch.  When two hollow points hit her in the chest and one hit her in the head she didn’t react either, her body just rocked back a little and she came forward.  Andy had shot her and after seeing no effect had frozen in fear.  The back of her head was gone, her skull had been blown apart from the bullet as it exited and she had two large holes in her chest and even larger holes in her back.  She had lost enough blood and suffered enough trauma that she should have been on the floor either dead or close enough but she was still on her feet.

     Everyone else had now backed up to the far distant wall or was trying to hide hiding, aside from Andy who had made a stand and the waitress who was lying on the floor unconscious.

    Meanwhile the man had spotted the waitress lying on the floor and jumped on her like a rabid dog on a rabbit and started to devour her.  She woke up screaming as he was eating flesh off of her arm and franticly started beating him in his head with a fist from her other arm to no effect.  He stopped eating for a second and put his hands around her throat and squeezed until there was an audible snap and she stopped moving then returned to his meal. 

    She zeroed in on where the shots had come from and lunged for Andy who panicked and fired the remaining three shots in his cylinder.  Three more direct hits, center mass, no effect.  She was on him.  She grappled him and took him to the ground and punched his head until her hand split and he was unconscious and then she started to eat.

    The remaining survivors looked on in horror but didn’t dare go outside.  The windows around them were covered in crawling and buzzing insects that were so thick that they now blocked out day light and were the only thing visible behind the glass. 

    Soon the insects found that the man and woman they had infected had opened a door for them.  In seconds the floor turned black like a lengthening shadow as ants, and roaches and who knows what else raced inside towards the people.  The air above the crawling bugs was filled with flying insects.  The swarm flew right past the infected man and woman as if they weren’t interested.  All of the people were attacked at the same instant.  As they were bit and stung all they could do was scream.  They were dead within a minute only to have thousands of bugs enter their bodies and take control as with the man and woman who were first attacked.

 

 

                              CHAPTER 2     “George”

 

         Jose, George and Maria were walking down the street in their neighborhood in a suburb of Orlando.  It was getting dark and the street lights cast an eerie glow and there weren’t very many people outside.

“Who’s that?” said Maria

“Looks like some bum” said Jose

“He’s walking kind of funny, I wonder if he’s hurt.” Said George

“Probably just drunk” said Jose

“We should go see if he’s alright” said Maria

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, he could be dangerous.” Said George

     At that moment the alleged bum the three had been discussing noticed them.  He was staring right at them but at no one in particular with eyes that seemed to have no life.  He was bleeding from what had to have been unseen wounds under his clothes as well as every orifice and there were all kinds of bugs crawling on him and flying around the air surrounding him.

“Oh man, there’s definitely something wrong with him!” said Maria

“Yeah he’s messed up but I’m not getting close!” said Jose

     The man was about a football field’s distance away and charged the group.  Its was a gruesome sight because he had been limping badly and now was sprinting but the limp didn’t stop.  They heard his ankle snap but he didn’t slow down. Now his ankle was cracking with every step but he didn’t slow down.

“Run!” said Jose

“I’m not scared I’m killing the old bastard!” said George, who had pulled out a knife

“You’re crazy!” said Maria

“No time to argue let him do what he wants I’m getting the fuck out of here, come on!” said Jose

“I’m calling the cops!” said Maria

“Ok me too, keep running” said Jose

“Damn no signal!” said Maria

“Me neither!” said Jose

    Jose and Maria ran as fast they could, they both knew George was stubborn and stupid and they didn’t want to die arguing with him even if he was their friend.  They heard a thud and looked around.  The man had closed most of the distance but his ankle couldn’t take it anymore and it gave out.  He had hit the pavement hard but as if nothing had happened was now quickly crawling for George.

     George walked up to the man and started stabbing him but the man didn’t seem to notice as he tried to grab at him.  Then George backed up as if he had been shot, but the man on the ground hadn’t landed any blows.  The swarm of flying insects had flown at George when he had started to attack the man they were with.  George was swatting at the air when insects started crawling in his ears and nose.  George screamed.  The man on the ground was staring at him but paused his attack.

“George is hurt!” said Maria

“Yeah and he asked for it!” said Jose “If we go over there we will be too!”

“What happened to him?” said Maria

“I don’t know, it looked like a bunch of bugs flew at him” said Jose

     George was now bleeding heavily from his face and his eyes took on the glazed appearance of what was his target.  The man refocused on Maria and Jose who were now a good distance away and started crawling again.  George seemed to focus on them too and followed the old man but the old man wasn’t moving fast now so George charged with the man crawling after them.

“What is he doing?” said Maria

“I don’t know what he’s got that looks in his eyes like that old man and now hes bleeding!” said Jose

“I’m sacred!” said Maria

“Let’s just run and try to hide somewhere.” Said Jose

“Martin lives close by let’s go to his house” said Maria

“Right, good idea” said Jose “I hope he’s home or I’m breaking in!”

     The two ran about a block to the house.  They had rounded a corner and lost sight of the old man and George.

“Open up damn it hurry!” said Jose, as he pounded on the door “Its Jose and Maria, open up!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, relax” said their friend Martin, who opened the door

    Jose and Maria almost knocked Martin over as they ran inside.  Jose slammed the door behind them, locked it and then looked out a window to scan the street.  He let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank God!” said Jose “I don’t see them.”

“Thank God!” said Maria

“What the hell is wrong with you two?” asked Martin

“We were attacked” said Jose who was still looking out the window

“By who?” said Martin

“Well…” said Maria, with a pause “It’s a crazy story!”

     Jose and Maria told Martin what had happened.  

“Normally I wouldn’t believe you, you know, you guys sound stoned” said Martin “But there’s been some weird shit going on today”

“Like what?” said Maria

“Well for one the phones are down in this whole neighborhood and anyone who’s gone into the city hasn’t come back” said Martin “Cell phones aren’t working either”

“Yeah we just tried to call 911 earlier and neither of ours had signals” said Jose

“Earlier some of the neighbors said they saw these black clouds moving around over the city too” said Martin

“Like smoke?” said Jose

“Well, smoke usually rises straight up and doesn’t move around like they said these were” said Martin “They said these were just above the building then started to descend and that they seemed to be alive”

“Bugs…” said Maria

“What?” said Martin

“No, I think she might be right!” said Jose “There were bugs flying all around the old man who attacked us and then around George”

“And they were on them, and I think inside them!” said Maria

“This is crazy” said Martin “what is this? Armageddon?”

“I don’t know but it looks like the coast is clear for now” said Jose “I don’t see anything out there”

“Clear for us” said Maria “who knows who else is getting attacked by them now”

“I know…” said Jose “But it’s dark and we need to stay alive tonight and try to figure things out tomorrow”

“Hang on one second I’ll be right back” said Martin who ran upstairs

    A few minutes later martin came back down with a shotgun handing from his shoulder on a sling and was holding a back.  He set the box down on a table and opened it up. 

“Jose, here!” he said and handed a Colt 45 ACP semi auto pistol “You know how to use this right?”

“Yeah I do” said Jose

“Good” said Martin “just in case.  Maria here” He handed her a 9mm Glock pistol

“Thanks” said Maria

“I’m glad I took you to the range that day” said Martin

“Me too” said Maria
 
 

 

                                            Chapter 3   “Intel”

 

    Deep beneath Washington DC, lays a secret labyrinth of tunnels and bunkers.  It is all in place in case of emergencies that would require evacuation from the surface.  Under the Pentagon is emergency military headquarters. A small number of men and women had managed to escape before the government building were overrun with swarms and those infested by them. Officers from the Army, Navy, and Air Force as well as at least a handful of officials from other government entities sit around a table staring at a large projection screen at the front of the room.  Off to the side of the screen there is a podium.  Behind it stands the Secretary of Homeland Security- General Davis.

“First of all the status is that everyone who isn’t in this room right now most likely died on the surface.  The president was not in the capital when this incident occurred although with communications down nobody has heard a word from him and until we do I will take charge as the highest person on the chain of command we know is still alive. We are here to discuss the international and domestic impact of these incidents and try to figure out a mission plan, if possible” said Davis.  “I am going to show images and videos taken from satellites from around the world but I have to tell you the situation is very grim.  Computers have estimated global deaths in the billions and this just happened yesterday.  At this point all of the deaths seem to be in cities but that being said it seems every city on earth with a population over a million was hit as well as the majority of cities with populations over half a million.  Rural areas and small towns seem untouched at this point as far as we can tell.”

      Davis turns on the screen which is divided into multiple smaller split screens showing images of earth from space.  One of the screens expands and takes over the whole screen and the smaller ones collapse. 

    “This is DC” said Davis

     The screen gets closer and closer until it is a bird’s eye view of Washington DC as if taken from a low flying helicopter.  The camera pans around to various points of interest.  Every building and structure in the city is black.  There is no traffic although there are some vehicles throughout the streets but they appear to have stopped suddenly and some are covered in black.  There are no boats in the Potomac and the airports look deserted and there are no planes taking off or landing.  Throughout the city there are scattered building and vehicle fires and no responding fire department in sight. 

     The camera zooms in to the street a little close and now people are seen walking around.  The camera zooms back out then moves over one of the building which appears to have been repainted black even over the glass.  The camera zooms in to very close and reveals that the “black paint” is actually a layer of all kinds of insects covering every square inch of every building.  The camera finally pans to the pentagon which now has the same black tint as all the other building and zooms in: more insects.

     “This is essentially what all the cities look like now” said Davis “Now I will show some security footage so you all know exactly what we are dealing with then we will discuss options.  The first video is of a passenger jet that was trying to land at the Los Angeles airport and is quite disturbing”

    The screen of DC collapses and another one enlarges.  It is a view looking over a large runway at the LA airport.  A 747 comes into view off in the distance.  As it gets closer the sky around it goes black and seconds later the jet is out of control.  It pitches down into a steep angle and then one of the engines explodes followed by the other.  The whole plane breaks apart and the wreckage falls toward the earth and out of sight.

     “Looks like the cities are now no fly zones” said Davis “To confirm this theory the Russians sent a fighter to Moscow covered in cameras. The Russian commanders don’t have a problem sacrificing one pilot for recon so they took the risk”

    The screen now switches to a view of Moscow off in the distance getting larger and larger.  Once the camera view is close enough to read writing on buildings the air darkens until its black, followed by static.

     The screen splits into four smaller screens showing traffic cam footage at four intersections in New York City during rush hour.

    “This is footage of NYC as the attack happened” said Davis.

     Cars were driving like normal as they always do in New York.  People were walking on the sidewalks and in and out of businesses.  All of the sudden it appeared to be raining only it was a black rain. At the same time black lines poured out of drains and cracks and any other hole in the area that might be home to insects.  Now people were panicking.  Everyone was swatting insects off of their skin as others were falling to the ground.  Some cars sped off, some crashed into each other while most were suddenly blanketed in a dark layer of insects.  Some started to smoke and burn.  It was visible that that some of the cars had insects inside them as clouds of them were visible behind glass.  A second later the cameras started showing a few insects crawling on their lenses, then a few more, then black and finally static.

    “I am giving all of the cities now populated by these swarms the designation Dark Cities due to the appearance they all have now. Other places have named them Lost Cities or Dead Cities but I am not ready to declare them lost and technically they aren’t dead but in fact are very much alive only the occupants have changed”

     “The last video I am going to show is from a security camera at a bank in Miami, Florida, it shows what these insects are capable of doing to human bodies” said Davis

     The screen shows a view of a busy street in Miami with people everywhere.  There are no swarms in sight but one man stands out.  He is walking but un-naturally.  It looks as if he might have a broken and leg but it’s hard to tell and he doesn’t seem to notice. 

    The camera zooms in on him.  There is blood dripping from his nose, out of his ears and from his mouth.  His eyes seem fixed and staring at nothing.  He approaches a young man slowly and casually grabs him and tackles him into the ground.  The man tries to fight back but is clearly overpowered.  The other man stabs him in the eyes with his fingers and his victim’s body goes lifeless. The man then looks up as if something else got his attention.  Two men nearby had drawn pistols and started firing at the man.  He got back up and sprinted towards them. The shooters must have shot him more than ten times each but the bullets went in and out of him with no effect.  The camera zooms in and slows down.  It is clear that the man has taken multiply rounds to the head and a lot center mass as well as some in his extremities.  Out of the bullet holes comes blood and brain matter on the head wounds followed by countless insects that fly into the air around him and start attacking everyone. 

    Now the man has made it to his attackers.  One has been attacked by a swarm and he grabs the other man’s arm holding the pistol and twists it giving him a compound spiral fracture and causing the man to fall to the ground in pain.  The attacker hits the ground with him and grabs him by the throat and pulls.  Seemingly effortlessly he rips the trachea right out of the man’s throat gets up and starts to walk off and starts eating the trachea as he does.  The screen turns off.

     “There is a little bit more footage but for the purpose of this meeting I believe what you have all just seen should be enough to illustrate the situation.  In addition there are a lot of unknowns as well still involving all this and it doesn’t appear that we will be getting much more information from here on out.  Almost all of the cities affected have gone quiet so even if there are survivors in some of them we haven’t heard from them and if we did we wouldn’t be able to do much to help them” said Davis “I would now like to hear everyone’s questions and concerns regarding all of this.”

“What is our communications and intelligence status?” asked General Smith of the Army

“It’s not good.  Most of the footage you received came early on and since then those sources have either gone silent or we can’t even get a signal with them.  We have no contact with NORAD, NATO, the UN or any of our allied countries other than the occasional private radio chatter. For intelligence we still have control over some of our satellites and there are some bases with UAVs and surveillance aircraft but they can only get so close to a city without being attacked” said Davis

“Does this only affect humans or could other animals be um” Smith pauses “I guess we will call it infested, as well?

“We don’t know for sure but I see no reason why other animals couldn’t be affected.  We will start satellite intelligence gathering to see if we can get answers to that and will get back to you. As for your term “infested” I guess we can use that, I can’t think of a much better way to describe it seeing how the insects do seem to enter the bodies and take over” said Davis.

“Do we have any idea about causes?” asked Smith

“It seems like it almost has to be an attack seeing how it happened almost simultaneously but we have no hard evidence to back up that it was an attack and nobody has taken credit for it that we have heard of as terrorists usually do.  Also it just seems strange that so many cities in so many different nations around the world were affected” Davis pauses “If its terrorism its likely eco terrorism because they are one of the few groups we can actually imagine having problems with every country.  If it were another group I imagine this would be a much more isolated incident”

“Exactly what kinds of insects are we talking about?” asked Navy Admiral White

 “That’s the crazy part. So far it seems to involve any insect native to an area.  So far we have identified swarms of a very large variety, some which include insects which are usually solitary. In addition we have seen swarms made up of multiple species of insects that would normally kill each other in nature but now almost seem to be friendly.  And its not just insects, there have been plenty of arachnids and worms, grubs and maggots as well so were thinking a better term is just bugs because insect is more specific and its not just insects. Of the bugs we have identified so far include the following, and seems to include any subspecies you can think of: ants, flies, gnats, cockroaches, millipedes, centipedes, dragonflies, fireflies, mosquitos, spiders, ticks, earthworms, slugs, snails, gnats, bees, hornets, wasps, crickets, grasshoppers and scorpions.  Those are just what we have identified so far.  All of which seem to be behaving the same way” said Davis

“You said they are in the cities and most rural areas appear untouched?” asked FEMA secretary Mrs. Ramirez

“It appears that way so far” said Davis

“That is very strange” said Ramirez “as if they have orders to stay in the cities or something”

“Yes we have wondered about that as well and might be able to use it to our advantage eventually.  Right now we need to talk about what we are going to do about all this. Does anyone have any ideas?”

     The room goes silent and everyone is glancing around at each other hoping someone will say someone brilliant. Finally Admiral White speaks up.

     “Well, I don’t exactly have a battle plan but I think we need to get some more information before we try anything.  If at all possible we need to send some people to the surface to try and get some samples of the insects so we can at least study them a little bit and maybe that will give some answers.  Obviously before we do that we need to figure out a way to put people on the surface and make sure they are protected because it’s safe to assume they will instantly be swarmed.  We also need a safe way to get in and out of here that won’t let the whole swarm in as people are entering and exiting” said White.

“That’s a good idea. We should at the very least put some things under a microscope and try and figure out what is going on” said Davis

“How long do we have fresh water and food?” asked Ramirez

“Well, this facility was originally designed to keep people alive for years after a nuclear disaster and we only managed to get a fraction of those people down here so we should be ok for a while. Also there are actually small hydroponic vegetable farms with seeds down here and we should start those immediately but still we do need to think about long term survival.”  Said Davis who then looks around the room “if there are no other ideas at this time I think we should focus on a plan to safely get to and from and explore the surface, set up the vegetable farms and try and contact any survivors we can.  Everyone should start work immediately, and we have another briefing in week from today.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Theres the first 3 chapters off the rough draft

Justin,

It's an interesting story and not bad for a rough draft. I have some suggestions for your writing, which is about typical for beginner. I would suggest perhaps a community college writing course, joining a critique group, of putting a chapter up on a writers forum rather than a readers forum to learn how to polish this up. Here's my take, not on the story, which is good, but the actual writing.

Have you noticed that you don't give any descriptions of your characters or descriptions of the settings? I know these are mostly minor characters that are being "bumped off" quickly, but give the reader something to visualize.

You dialogue attributions are, to put it simply, wrong. When you're going to use he said or he asked, you use a comma at the end of the dialogue, not a period. When the dialogue stands alone, use a period. It's conventional to use Bob said, rather than said Bob, but the real problem is that you use the same style for nearly every dialogue sentence. Nothing wrong with the word said, it's an invisible word, but you are overusing it. You can use things like:

Bill shrugged. "I don't really care."

"But I do." Mary smiled.

"So I see," Bob said with a grin.

"I hope you do." Mary turned and left the room.

You sometimes write your sentences backwards. What do I mean by that?
Yours: At an outdoor eating area of a café on International Drive people were eating lunch.

I'm out of time right now, but I'll be PMing you with a "track changes" edit of your first chapter. Good luck with your novel.

Hope that helped.

JohnB

Mine: People were eating lunch at the outdoor eating area of a cafe on International Drive.

The main point of this sentence is that people are eating and the main point should go first to keep your writing active and strong. Not that you can't mix it up a bit.

Thanks for the feedback. Its kind of funny because you preaching to the choir a little with most of the critiques. For the rough draft it was all about momentum; i wanted to get the whole thing written as fast as possible. When i do the final draft i am going to correct everything you mentioned and go OCD with editting.

Im glad you like the story thats the important part to me as far as the rough draft goes. I believe its easy to correct writing errors but if the story had problems then theres not a lot of potential.

This is only a small part of the whole story but thats all im going to say about that because im not giving anything away past these first three chapters.

I get a lot more into character descriptions and settings later on but i guess it wouldnt be a bad idea to do it everywhere. Its an easy way to boost word count as well.

Dialogue attribution was one thing i didnt know how to do. My dad pointed that out as well, luckilly its an easy fix and i will correct it during the final draft.

Backwards sentences? i think i might be semi dislexic so ill watch out for that in the final.

I will have to look for writers forums as well like you suggested.