"The Lost Tourist Franchise" is my first effort at a short story, and I would be most appreciative of comments, criticism, and suggestions. I found it more difficult than I expected to pack a complete story into so few words, so I need some feedback. I'm particularly interested in knowing how realistic the two main characters seem.

It's actually a bit of the back story of a character in a novel I wrote; I had so much fun with the character that I wanted to give him a little more time in the spotlight. I was surprised at how much work it took to pare the story down to what I thought were its essentials.

"The Lost Tourist Franchise" is a free download from Smashwords: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/77853 . It's in all eBook formats as well as PDF. It's in the Kindle store, but I couldn't make it free there, so give Smashwords a try.

Thanks in advance,
Charles Dougherty

Is anyone going to give Charles a critique?

Based on the Book Description: "Donald, just out of the Army and eager to see the sights, is mugged within minutes of his arrival in Washington,D. C. Luther, perhaps a good Samaritan, comes to his aid, offering him a chance to recoup his losses while touring Washington. Will Luther lead Donald astray? Will Donald come through with his ethics intact?"

I thought it was an interesting description with a similar style by Robert I. Friedman with Red Mafiya. This style is interesting and is not like Tom Clancy as some would have said, "Oh, just another Tom Clancy spin off." not really, but in order to get a better feel I would have to read more.

Thanks for the comment, and for taking the time to read The Lost Tourist Franchise.

Hey I'll read it before the end of the day today and post back for you tonight

Charles,

First off, I'm a writer and have been in several critique groups and regularly critique in forums. When I prepare for a crit, I read the entire text. Which I did. And then I always give my honest opinion, good or bad, since anything less would be of no worth to the writer.

Your writing skills are good but you failed to catch my interest. First off, you write that your POV character "doesn't notice" the 3 thugs, but then you describe their activities as if he knew what they were doing. Then I kept waiting for the story to start, as you went on and on with description and dialogue. Finally, I realized it wasn't a story, since it didn't have plot, conflict, or resolution, but a parable. It works at that level, but I would not have read through to the end if I weren't critting. You never caught my interest enough that I'd have kept on after the first few paragraphs.
Why was there no conflict or resolution? Donald never had to lift a finger to get himself out of his destitute situation, everything was handed to him on a silver platter.
Like I said, you're a good writer, but this particular story didn't have enough meat on its bones for my taste.

Hope that helps,

JohnB

Thanks, John!

I appreciate the time you put into reading and critiquing the story, and I don't disagree with the points you make. It's my only effort at a short story, and I found it quite frustrating; that's probably reflected in the result. I've written four books since I wrote that story, and I find longer works much easier to manage from the structural perspective. I honestly didn't remember that this post was still around until I got an email notification about your comment; I've moved on in my writing, and I like to think that I've improved, thanks to a number of honest comments like yours. Although I agree with your comments for the most part, it's interesting that the story has had a few reasonably favorable reviews in other forums - a proof of the accuracy of Samuel Johnson's comment on taste, I guess.

After I finish my current WIP, I may revisit The Lost Tourist Franchise; in any case, thanks again for your comments.

Bud (C. L. R. Dougherty)

Sorry, I didn't notice how old the post was. Good luck with your writing.

JohnB