Hi folks.

I have written a book, Soul Survivor, and would appreciate some feedback. I have posted the first three chapters at: http://www.wattpad.com/18302248-soul-saviour?d=ud

It is a psychological thriller/crime.

Kind regards
Suall

You lack a narrative hook. The initial sentence or two needs to be more than a generic couple on the grass. That flirts with cliche. It should be oblique and resonant.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_hook

Also, a vast amount of your content is description or narrative summary, and you have very little immediate scene. Immediate scene should be the majority. Ideally, all the background you're hoping to convey should be artfully scattered throughout the immediate scene.

http://lighthouse-writing-tips.blogspot ... scene.html

For example, if you want to convey the criteria of David's selection process, segue from a description of him. Paint him as an older man, then seque into the heart attack. Jump back to immediate scene with dialogue or action, then seque into explaining how he'd changed after his heart attack. Immediate scene should be dominant, interspersed by narration.

I think you need more practice and revision because as it stands now it's pretty dense. There's no action here whatsoever. And by action I don't mean car chases and explosions but a character taking charge. A thriller/crime needs the energy that active words bring. Even description relies upon active words.

My challenge to you: rewrite the first scene without any helping words like "could have" "have" "had" and such. Only use the simple present or past tense without repeating sentences. You'll be able to see how these words become writing crutches by inexperienced writers.