Religion has, over the centuries, fallen victim to a most vile conspiracy. The removal of the three most important aspects of Gnostic learning. Listen carefully, for you shall receive the innermost secrets of the Mysteries this day.

Religion has three heroes or foils, depending upon how one looks at it. Oh, yes, some may scoff at the notion that Moe, Larry and Curly (or Shemp) are at the innermost Mysteries of the Gnosis, but read on and thou shalt scoff no longer—you imbeciles!

Not only is Moe the archetype of the Hebrew God El Shaddai as I revealed in my last post, but the very concept of the Trinity was derived from them. Everything that goes on in the Bible is so doggone stooge-like that it frightens the uninitiated.

Take the story of Jesus. The day he is born, who shows up to proclaim him King of the Jews? The Three Wise Men who, in the original Mystery languages, are more popularly known as the Three Wise Guys. The original story goes thusly:

And they did come, Melchior leading Gaspar by his hair and Balthazar by his nostril, bearing gifts which they deposited before the child dropping them heavily upon Melchior’s foot.

Melchior did bellow sorely and dance about in pain whereupon the other two did join him in merrymaking. Melchior smote them upon their bellies and they bent over and Melchior smote them upon their foreheads.

All present did pay homage to the King except Balthazar who did set his eyes upon a fair damsel in the crowd and approacheth her saying, “Hiya toots, ya come here often? Ya know, my mother wasn’t a virgin til she had me. She swore off sex! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!”

Melchior did notice Balthazar’s indiscretion and admonished him saying, “Hey puddinhead, pay homage to the King of the Jews.”

Balthazar did wave his arm dismissively in Melchior’s direction and turneth unto Gaspar saying, “I won’t do it! He don’t pay my salary. It’s a guy with a beard…nyah-ahh-ahhh” whereupon Balthazar did findeth Melchior standing before him and Melchior was wroth.

“I said pay homage,” saith Melchior.

Balthazar did shrug saying, “Homage should I pay? Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!”

Whereupon Melchior smote Balthazar upon his belly and Balthazar bent over and Melchior smote him upon his forehead.

“Hey, hey,” saith Gaspar unto Melchior, “leave him alone!”
Whereupon Melchior didst boweth to Gaspar saying, “Oh, yes, your majesty!” And then Melchior did smite Gaspar’s nose and a loud honking sound did filleth all the stable roundabout.

The Gospel stories are greatly jumbled and often the roles switch about without rhyme or reason. Hence, during Christ’s sermon on the mount, we now find Moe as Jesus while Larry and Curly are Peter and John respectively:

And Jesus spake unto the assembled saying, “And when someone conks ya on the kisser like so…” and he turned and smote Peter upon his cheek, “turn your coconut and let him conk ya again” whereupon Jesus turned and smote John upon his cheek.

“Wait a minute, wait a minute!” exclaimeth John. “What do I get out of it?”

Jesus glareth at him and saith unto him, “You get to dot his eyes!”

“Ohhh!” John cackleth saying, “In that case I’ll take it!”

“You got it,” saith Jesus and he poketh John in his eyes with his fingers and John howleth in pain mightily.

Yet in the Garden of Gethsemane, Peter is now Moe, James is Larry and John is Curly. Jesus is now the Vernon Dent figure (Vernon Dent appeared in many Stooge shorts as the straight man always on the wrong end of Stooge machinations). Jesus prays earnestly in the garden but returns to his companions finding Peter, James and John (in typical stoogely fashion) snoring away.

At the crucifixion, we find once again Moe as Jesus but now Larry and Curly are the two malefactors. The text goes as follows:

And they were crucified in the sixth hour. As the nails were pounded through [Curly’s] hands he did loudly exclaim, “Owowowowowowowowowowowowowow! Woo woo woo woo!”

And Jesus reassureth him saying, “Quiet, you gobbling turkey!”

And [Larry] didst laugh and saith, “Heh heh heh, he called him a gobbling turkey—heh heh heh!”

Whereupon Jesus smote [Larry] upon his face saying, “Shaddap, you bag of giblets!” and tore out a patch of [Larry’s] hair and handeth it unto him saying, “Whatsa matta witchu?”

And they were nailed in place before the crowd. “Look!” exclaimed the crowd to Jesus, “if you’re so holy come down from the cross!”

Whereupon Jesus did saith unto them, “I’ll moider ya!”

In the ninth hour, Jesus crieth out in his travails, “Lord oh lord, why hast thou forsaken me?”

And [Curly] didst reply, “Maybe His network’s down! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!” and [Larry] didst laugh mightily.

Jesus was wroth and exclaimeth, “If I wasn’t nailed to this cross, you boid-brains, I’d hitcha over the head with it!”

Going to the Old Testament, we find the story of the Flood, a typical Stooge venture. In the Gnosis, Moe (El Shaddai or Moses) hooks up the electrical system of the planet to give light. Unbeknownst to him, Curly and Larry have run the plumbing through the electrical conduits. When Moses flips the switch, water spews out everywhere, covering the planet. Moses yells, “Why you nitwits! I’ll annihilate ya!” The people of earth overhear God and think He is talking to them.

From the microcosmical point of view, the Stooges are the sons of Noah (who is, again, the Vernon Dent figure). Japhet is Moe, Ham is Larry and Shem is a simple corruption of Shemp (Shemp reappears later on as Samuel). The three sons spend too much time sleeping and Noah is forced to tend his fields by himself. The exhausted Noah comes in from the fields and tells Ham to fetch him yonder water jug.

Unbeknownst to Noah, his sons had filled it the night before with very potent homemade wine that bubbles and emits a thick mist that Shem had made with two-month-old grapefruit juice and battery acid from a ’39 Ford and then mixed them together in an old boot.

“Wait, pa!” Ham exclaims. “You don’t wanna drink that stuff!”

But Noah interrupts him saying, “Nonsense! Thou hast heard me. Fetch me yon jug that I might taketh a swig!”

“Yeah, but pa…” says Ham.

“Silence and giveth unto me the jug of water,” Noah says to Ham, “that I may quencheth my mighty thirst!”

Ham protests saying, “Yeah but pa, ya gotta listen to me…”
But Noah licks his lips with great anticipation and heedlessly slugs down the contents of the jug with a loud “glug glug glug” sound. The Gnosis reads:

Noah turneth unto Ham with wide eyes and a smoke did pour forth from his mouth. A loud whistling sound cameth from the insides of Noah followed by a loud splash from his belly and Noah did moan and pass out.

Ham attempteth to grab Noah and prevent him from falling but managed only to grippeth Noah’s robe. The robe toreth off in Ham’s hands and Noah did slump to the ground in his red flannel underwear.

Ham did panicketh and ran off to tell Japhet and Shem without. Upon hearing Ham’s story, Japhet saith unto him, “Nice goin, you turnip-head! He’s gonna make us finish tendin’ the fields now!” and he did smite Ham mightily upon the cheek. “Come on, you termites,” saith Japhet to his brethren, “we’d better go cover him up!”

Shem didst laugh loudly and saith unto them, “Pops didn’t Noah when to quit drinkin! Haw! Haw! Haw!” Ham did also join his brother in merriment.

Japhet saith unto his brethren, “Why, yes, yes, so he did, so he did…” whereupon he smote them both across the cheek at once, knocketh their heads together and bade them to immediately fulfill as he had commanded lest he taketh away their foremost throat parts.

In the 3rd Degree of Freemasonry, the candidate undergoing initiation is ritually “killed” and then reborn by acting out a Mystery play called “The Killing of Hiram Abiff”.

Hiram is the Master Builder of Solomon’s Temple. He has many craftsmen working under him. One day, three craftsmen decide to extort from Hiram the Master’s Word. Again, Hiram is the Vernon Dent figure and the three errant craftsmen are called (in typical stoogely fashion) The Three Ruffians.

As Hiram is leaving the unfinished Temple at the close of the workday, he is accosted by the Three Ruffians known as Jubela (Shemp), Jubelo (Larry) and Jubelum (Moe). In typical stoogely fashion, they demand the Master’s Word and threaten him with all manner of violence should he refuse. “Why you three vagrants sure have your nerve!” says Hiram and slaps them all across the face with one swipe of his arm.

Jubela steps forward and says, “Oh, a tough guy, eh?” and proceeds to engage in excessive footwork as he dances about Hiram. “How does this grab ya?” Jubela asks Hiram as he dances about and weaves. “I’ll shoot one past ya just like that,” says Jubela as he jabs the air with his fist, “and I’ll throw one at ya like that. Oh, too fast for ya, eh?” he says to Hiram who punches Jubela in the mouth and sends him sprawling.

Jubelum kicks Hiram in the backside and Hiram proceeds to throttle him. Jubelo picks up a piece of pipe and loudly clangs Hiram on the head. Hiram falls to the ground a corpse. “Nyah!” says Jubelum after examining Hiram, “He’s dead, fellas! We’d better scram!”

Jubelo says, “Hey, wait a minute, let’s get rid of the evidence first. That’ll give us a head start.”

“Good thinkin, kid,” says Jubelum, “Now you’re usin a bit o’ your brain!” Then he looks at Jubela and says, “Why didn’t you think o’ that?” and lands one.

The Three Ruffians bury Hiram’s body with much the same result as the episode where they attempt to bury a mannequin they mistook for a dead body. They flee the graveyard in terror, leaving behind their shoes, which they have literally jumped out of in fright.

In another version, it is Curly who is Jubela. After Solomon brings them back to the Temple to be executed for the murder, Jubela drops to his knees before Solomon and says, “Woo woo woo woo! Execution? Nyah-ah-ahh! Oh no! Anything but that kingy ol’ kid ‘ol kid ‘ol kid! I’m too young to die and too good-lookin—well, I’m too young! This ain’t fair. It’s sabatoogee, I tell ya! Have a heart, kingy ol’ kid! Your mother and my mother are both mothers!”

However, our more family-value oriented fundamentalist friends generally prefer the Shemp version: “Please, your highness, don’t execute me. I got six wives and two kids. I got a little golden-haired baby sister and she’s only this high and I have little baby brother whose only this high...”

Also in the prose Edda of Norse mythology, we find Thor as Moe, Heimdall as Larry and Loki as Curly. Typical of Curly, Loki loses Thor’s hammer—a phallic symbol related to the loss of Osiris’s penis during battle with Set. The Twilight of the Gods has already set upon them and Ragnarok—the final battle of heaven and earth—is about to commence. There is not a more vivid and frightening eschatological sequence in all mythology. In the Gnosis, the story runs thusly:

“Heimdall,” saith Thor, “bloweth thine horn so that I may announce the approach of the Frost Giants. Hearest thou me?” And Thor smote the daydreaming Heimdall on the top of his head. “Blow, Porcupine!”

And Heimdall did blow a long dismal and discordant note. Thor saith unto Heimdall, “Hey, Harry James!”

And Heimdall did blush and reply, “Oh, I’m not that good!” wherepon Thor saith to him, “You’re tellin me!” and snatcheth the horn from Heimdall’s grasp and smote him upon the head with it.

“Just play me a short syllable, maestro, so that I can announce the Frost Giants! Go on!” And Heimdall did blow a short note.

Thor cleared his throat and prepared to address all the gods gathered in the Great Hall at Valhalla when Loki stepped up and saith unto the assembled, “And they’re off! Lady’s Man in the lead with Ticker-Tape followin close behind. Sweet Potater pulls ahead by a length. And it’s Lady’s Man, now it’s Ticker-Tape, it’s Lady’s Man, no it’s Ticker-Tape. Sweet Potater pulls up on the outside stretch…”

And Thor saith unto Loki, “Quiet, you overgrown lawn-jockey!” and he smote Loki upon the head with his hammer and a loud clanking sound was heard all throughout Asgard.
Loki moaneth in pain saying, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…look!” And they beheld Thor’s hammer and saw that it was flat and deformed on the side which smiteth the hard skull of Loki. Loki didst laugh saying, “Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!”

Thor was wroth and saith unto Loki, “Why you iron-head! Now Odin’s liable to make me pay for another hammer!” And he smote Loki upon the cheek saying, “You imbecile! What am I supposed to fight the Midgard Serpent with now?”

Loki didst shruggeth and say, “Well, he’s just a big snake, ain’t he?”

“Yeah, what about it?” saith Thor.

“Well just find a big mongoose and your problem’s solved! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!” Heimdall didst join Loki in his merriment and Thor smote them both on the cheek at once and then he smote them upon their bellies and they did bend over and Thor smote them upon their foreheads.

To make a long story short, in the true Gnosis of Ragnarok, heaven and earth come to an end in all-out no-holds-barred pie-fight.

But history has mangled Stooge presence in all religion and mythology far worse than Moe ever mangled Curly, Shemp and Larry put together. One gets the feeling that the Vernon Dent-like historians have gotten the last laugh. When Jesus is resurrected, look how the Bible has completely distorted what he told his stooges—er—apostles. “Go ye far and wide and spread the gospel unto all nations…” BUNK!! In the Gnosis, they all crowd around Jesus after his resurrection and so he simply elbows them in their bellies and tells them, “Spread out!” What a sad state of affairs to see these wonderful Gnostic messages being so inexcusably corrupted and distorted. It's more sabotoogee, I tell ya!

God is always attempting to improve us in much the same way that the Vernon Dent figure attempted to convert the Stooges (representing the Masonic rough ashlar) into gentlemen despite Larry’s protestations that there hadn’t been a gentleman in his family for fifty generations (see Genesis for an exhaustive genealogy). Perhaps upon being turned into gentlemen, the human race will finally heed Jesus/El Shaddai/Moe’s message: “You lunkheads mind your P’s and Q’s!” A prerequisite for loving thy neighbor. Perhaps it is high time indeed for the human race to start remembering its Emily Post.

Yes, time and again we are confronted in the Gnosis with the image of three saps always with some scheme or gimmick up their sleeves. Always trying to get out of their fair share of Great Work. They are us. They represent the lethargy, buffoonery and violence of unenlightened humanity and so everything they do fails miserably. In that slapstick comedy we call day-to-day living, these three Neanderthals raise their mugs and grimace so frightfully as to scare one another half to death. Whether humankind is destined to remain a pack of intelligent imbeciles remains to be seen. Perhaps a silk purse will eventually be made from a sow’s ear after all. One thing is certain, however, when the end of heaven and earth arrives in Asgard, the halls of Valhalla will reverberate not to the sound of Heimdall’s sour horn, but to the call of “Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!”

but read on and thou shalt scoff no longer—you imbeciles!