The Grand Ole Opry.
75 Years of America’s Music


We see a bare stage. A woman dressed in a strange banjo costume outfit struggles out onto the stage. Stage lights dim to spotlight on banjo-woman.

Leeannne: Hello. I’m country superstar, Leeannne L Wilson. (turns to Camera #2) The “L” is for Leeannne. (winks, and turns back to Camera #1) And like my colleges (gestures to nearby posters of Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton, etc) without The Grand Ole Opry we’d be good as dead. (ridiculous smile, turns to Camera #2) But how’d it all happen? Well, come with me and let‘s ‘a take a looksee.

(Now Leeannne is standing in front of giant publicity photo of Hank Williams jumping into Elvis’ arms who is somehow simultaneously jumping onto Chet Atkins’ shoulders.)

Leeannne: The history of the Grand Ole Opry is as rich as ten thousand light years. But to trace its origins, we need only mention the name Murl Fiit. And, of course, the Nobility Insurance Company of Goodman Stephens’ Corporation of Concerned Nashville Businessmen, or NICG...um...NICGSSS...CCNB. (She looks around nervously.)

(Scene dissolves)

(Quiet banjo music)
(Fade in on b&w photograph of large office building)

Leeannne’s voice over (v/o): The Grand Ole Opry got its start right here. It was in this dark, ominous office structure where Murl Fiit, an insurance adjuster came up with a plan to help promote the Nobility Insurance Company. He’d stage a public concert and hire a bunch of surly country singers to fill the bill and just let the magic inexperienced event planning takeover.

(We see a photograph of massive highway traffic accident. Incidental music becomes dark and foreboding.)

v/o: But what the damn fool didn’t realize was that he’d put the “music tent” smack in the middle of Highway 1. After Murl Fiit was fired for incompetence by his boss, Merle, a second, improved plan was set in play.

(Photograph of a 2nd massive traffic accident)

v/o: Oddly, it turned out that Merle was actually Murl, dressed as Merle. It seemed Murl was quite good as wearing disguises and women’s makeup, but terrible with regional concert promotion.

(Photograph of Murl/Merle in straight jacket being dragged away by police. His face is twisted into a seething rage of pain.)

v/o: But Nashville’s finest took care of that problem, which brings us to Nancy Little and her absent-minded grandfather, Walter Fint.

(Photograph of girl sitting at piano, old man collapsed on floor, clutching violin)

v/o: Nancy Little was a piano player who toured with her elderly confused grandfather, Walter Fint. By sheer chance it turned out that Walter had been an employee of the Nobility Insurance Company twenty five years prior, but had been fired for attempting to stage a risky benefit concert alongside a highway. Walter dropped in on a friend at the company, hauling Nancy and her annoying large piano along for the visit. Soon, joyous music begin to fill the old stuffy halls of the insurance company. A while later, Walter and Nancy were thrown out onto the street and banned from ever visiting the company. But that didn’t stop Nancy from giving up on her life-long dream of staging a benefit concert to help promote a struggling insurance company. It also didn’t stop Walter who quickly got to work on a “music revenge” plan aimed at his previous employer.

(Photograph of Nancy on phone; Walter in background amid piles of bomb equipment.)

v/o: And so Nancy called in her hillbilly musical friends while Walter worked diligently on his own unique plans. The two would eventually separate. Nancy to her music; Walter to his own warped choices…

(Newspaper cartoon of old man wearing full latex body suit covered with dynamite charging large clock tower. Headline reads, GRAMPS GOES GONZO!)


v/o: After the various explosions and the FBI manhunt, Walter was captured and put safely behind bars, and for Nancy she put on her benefit show of a lifetime. It was a success.

(Photograph of stage filled with musicians. Large crowd has gathered, watching)

v/o: The roster read like a who’s who of the country music community of the time: The Rooster Boys; The Sail Away Happy Crowd; Brenda Brendenben; Led Hipplin with Jimi Henley and His Famous Gas Soaked Violin. It wouldn’t take long before Nancy was approached by a prominent business man, Marl Jenkins with a plan. Unfortunately, that businessman turned out to be, yet again, Murl Fiit. In the wings and watching Murl/Merl/Marl’s 3rd arrest of the week was Kousin Karl, a local radio hobbyist.

(Photograph of Kousin Karl dressed up as a radio tube presenting giant novelty check to Nancy. Businessmen look on proudly.)

v/o: Kousin Karl fell instantly in love upon hearing Nancy’s shrill alto song tones, and the two would become fast friends. Kousin Karl would soon come up with a plan, an offer that Nancy couldn’t refuse. That was to host a Saturday evening music related program from his bedroom at his mom’s house, where he lived for forty-seven years with all his strange radio gadgetry.

(Photograph of Kousin Karl waving from his bunk bed. His mother stands beside with a box of tissues.)

v/o: It seemed ol’ Kousin Karl loved radio so much he made a vow never to leave his mom’s house ever! Reluctant at first, Nancy agreed to appear, bringing with her a few musician friends. The program, untitled at the time, became known to locals as, Kousin Karl’s Home Cooked Musical Jambooni and Good Time Feelin’ Show Stopper Down Home Pleasure Time Hour! The catchy title and show were a hit.

(Photograph of people lined up beneath Karl’s bedroom window. Nancy and Karl are poking their heads out. Karl looks somehow enraged.)

v/o: And the townspeople couldn’t help but show up on the following Saturday with their own eager hopes of becoming the next radio star.

(Photograph of police shooting tear gas into confused, orderly crowd of fans.)

v/o: But ol’ Karl got nervous and called the police, thus putting an end to the one-week-old show. Nancy was crushed, but Kousin Karl had a plan.

(Photograph of Nancy dangling from bedroom window, rope attached to her waist, clutching ukulele. Karl outside aiming colossal boom mike at her head.)

v/o: Karl’s plans to turn Nancy into a rope swingin’ country singin’ super star was a stoke of genius. And the fans thought so, too turning up at Karl’s mom’s house in droves.

(Photograph of Karl and police attacking crowd of fans. Karl is swinging a club at a man’s skull. )

v/o: And once again, Karl got nervous and called the police. Twenty-five people were hospitalized, and Karl’s show was put to rest for good. Nancy and company finding themselves once again without a home to play their beautiful music. Luckily, Nancy and her musical friends wouldn’t have to wait too long…

(Cut to Leeannne, who winks at camera.)

Leeannne: We’ll be right back with more of The Grand Ole Opry Special. Don’t you go a’ changing that dial’n.

(Fade out)
(Fade in)

(Leeannne is swinging from long swing, elevated twenty feet above the stage. She wears an elaborate prom dress, colored hot pink. It looks completely awful. Somehow, the camera manages to stay on her swaying, overly clownish face)

Leeannne: Welcome back to The Grand Ole Opry Special.

(She kicks legs up, and slips instantly off the seat. The sudden sheer panic of a woman about to fall twenty feet to her death flashes across her shocked face. She manages to cling onto the swing rope while her swearing cries are slightly censored out.
There is a strange jump cut, and we see Leeannne on the stage swearing at a cameraman.
A second jump cut and Leeannne is back on the swing, but swinging much more conservatively. Her hair and makeup are completely screwy from the unedited clean-up footage.)

Leeannne: Whew, country music’s got me all…(eyes dart, singing) Crazy. Cr-a-a-zy for lovvvvvvving you (Smiles tightly) When we left off, Nancy and company were musically homeless, but that wouldn’t last for too long, because one morning Nancy found a tour bus wrapped in an 80 foot ribbon parked out front of her home. Salvation in the form of an 18 ton bus, with enough room for drums, guitars, even Nancy’s famous edible wigs.

(Photograph of Nancy and musicians celebrating, swigging bottles of grain alcohol in front of bus.)

v/o: To this day nobody really knows who donated the tour bus, although many suspect it was a gift from fellow singer-songwriter Porter Wagoner. (Laughs) You could say there were clues…

(Photograph of back of bus with massive 50’s pompadour hairpiece attached to roof, a hairstyle Porter was known to wear)

(Cut back to Leeannne)

Leeannne: It was a country miracle!

(Slow dissolve over photographs of several honky-tonks, all featuring Nancy and various musicians singing, dancing, playing…having a great time.)

v/o: And to the road they took. Taking to the road with all the takeness of an unleashed dream. Nancy had one rule: Take all that you want, but whatever you take, take only what you need, taker. (Laughs) Yes, it was a wonderful time…

(Incidental music becomes dark suddenly.)

(Newspaper photograph of upside down bus burning in flames. Headline reads: Country Music Bus collides with train. Bus driver blames “Wormhole.”)

v/o: …which would last exactly two weeks.

(Newspaper montage dissolving onto one another, The New York Times… Dallas Express…Chicago Sun Times…Hong Kong Today, all bearing terrible news.)

v/o: Sadly, the bus driver’s delusional beliefs that he thwarted an imaginary space-time pocket by swerving into a train proved fatal for three aboard. Nancy’s guitar player, Haggy Wahbottom, Singers Topy Clupeabout and Gretchen Angelface were killed. It would be a terrible blow to the small music community.

(Photograph of three caskets being carried out of church. Dark sad music continues to play)

v/o: More like a family and less like a group of beer swigging musical acts, they would come together and grieve. Tragically, two more musicians were killed on route to the funeral.

(Newspaper photograph of car wrapped around telephone pole which floats in swimming pole. Swimming pool appears to be on fire. Headline reads: What The F Is Going On In Nashville??!!)

v/o: Drummer Icy Diamond and his son, DeeDee Diamond would mark a second round of blows to an already stunned music community.

(Photograph of courtroom; music shifts, becoming happy again.)

v/o: Grief would give way to much needed good news. A good stomach punch of good news right in the chest of Boy Did I Need That’s. It seemed the bus’ gift giver had taken out a massive insurance policy on the bus, and under a court settlement, Nancy and company were awarded a hefty cash settlement. A cash settlement…

(Photograph of Ryman Auditorium, downtown Nashville)

v/o: which would give them a new home…the Ryman Auditorium.

(Cut back to Leeannne)

Leeannne: We’ll be right back. Don’t cha go now’n gettin’ all away from us’n y’all now’ hear!

(Fade out)
(Fade in)

(We hear beautiful country music swingin’ away. We see a stage. It is The Ryman Auditorium. Now we see live footage of Johnny Cash playing guitar, singing “Big River.” He seems to be angry, lifting his leg, smashing stage light after stage light. The audience goes nuts. Next we see Marty Robbins singing “El Paso.” He wears a bedazzled cowboy suit that sparkles so intensely light beams reflect off of it, striking the curtains and setting them ablaze. He laughs wickedly as hillbilly “fire crew” rush out to put out fire with enlarged novelty fire extinguishes. A fire truck rides out holding a bunch of sexy female firefighters who hop off and swing their axes playfully at the very real fire. Marty continues to play, laughing crazily. The live Ryman footage continues to change…Dottie West and Lynn Anderson in a hot duet singing “Sweet Dreams.” Lynn blows her lines, and Dottie’s enraged facial expression is not unlike Frodo when he lusts after the Ring…we see a very young Willie Nelson playing two guitars at once. One with his feet, one with his mouth…we see Porter Wagoner doing a duet with Dolly Parton. They sing “Coat of Many Colors,” and Porter keeps stealing perverted glimpses at Dolly’s massive chest. She catches him, making pretend “fist” with her hand. Porter responds with a tongue gesture so offensive it has to be pixilated…Merle Haggard is next singing his classic “Okey From Miskokee” During the French Horn solo he removes a hidden cigarette from his grizzly beard. Off mike, we can barely make out him murmur, “…take away my fucking cigarettes!” Next we see Loretta Lynn singing “Coal Miner’s Daughter.” This performance is especially poignant. It is her first appearance, and to help mark the occasion extra special at the conclusion of the song, Porter Wagoner chases her off the stage with his busy tongue. Flash to the next performer, Bill Monroe and The Texas Playboys playing “Orange Blossom Special.” Bill Monroe picks his mandolin so intensely it bursts into flame. The flame spreads to his heavily perfumed neck, and we see him screaming for help as Minnie Pearl rides out on Grandpa Jones’ back. More performances continue as Leeannne’s voice over is brought up

v/o: The Ryman auditorium became a home. Between the years 1943 and 1971 audiences would have the chance to see their favorite performer each and every Saturday night. The performances became less amateurish and more professional. Drum kits were brought in, as well sophisticated light effects, signaling the ever changing times. But one thing was clear country was here to stay.

(Live footage of Roy Acuff walking out onto stage with Minnie Pearl. Minnie Pearl barks out her famous, “Howwwwwwwwdee!” and Roy looks like a man who’s been given way too many pain killers. Half of his face droops toward the floor, and the other half seems to magically crawl up toward his forehead. His hair is wild and crazy like Einstein’s. He swings a violin at the audience in a menacing gesture. Minnie and Roy begin a painfully dated back-and-forth.)

Minnie (wicked high-pitched hick accent): Well, sir. I say it sure is hot out tonight.

Roy (Totally off script, old, should not be allowed to be on stage anymore, very, very confused tone): Wha? (Looks around, lifts arms and we see the sickish black ring of a sweat stain underneath his armpit) Jesus H. it’s…SO HOT!

Minnie (nervous, maintains character): Now’n Roy. Don’t ya all get your goose feathers in a ruffle. Y’know The Grand Ole Opry don’t got no air conditioner.

Roy: BECAUSE IT’S RUN BY THE JEWS! JUST LIKE HOLLYWOOD.

(And with that racist remark, Little Jimmy Pickens comes out with a glass of water and a blanket for Roy as he walks him offstage.)

v/o: Sadly, country music would endure yet another loss: Roy Acuff. On way to his dressing room one night, Acuff was mugged by a man wearing a Johnny Cash Halloween mask. He would succumb to knife wounds and die while crawling toward Tammy Wynette’s makeup chair. As luck would have it, one week later Minnie Pearl would succumb to a combination of swine flu and boredom. But…somehow…the show would go on.

(Cut to Leeannne)

Leeannne: We’ll be right back with more of The Grand Ole Opry Special. Don’t cha go’n to’ll chan’nnn ‘c’re zoiw lksa; lakj-------

(Leeannne’s warped “mountain jargon” becomes so garbled that the screen involuntarily fades out.)

(Fade in. Leeannne paces outside on the street, directly in front of the main doors. She ditches a cigarette when she notices the camera.)

Leeannne: Welcome back! The Ryman Auditorium had become not only the stomping ground for established performers; it became the Carnegie Hall of country music. That was until in the mid-eighties when Carnegie Hall began booking acts like Iron Butterfly, and The Deep Purple Experience, and suddenly the comparison seemed too outlandish. The Opry quickly became the Waldorf Astoria of country music. Sadly, the once esteemed Waldorf would fall under poor management, and the Opry would face its greatest challenge to date: To which New York building would they compare themselves? Management finally decided upon, The World Trade Center of Country Music. (turns to Camera #2) And we all know how that turned out, don’t we Osama? (Winks)

(Cut to photograph of Ryman in 1971 looking horribly run down.)

v/o: Over the years, the Ryman would begin to slip in appearance. Everyone knew a change had to come.

(Photograph montage showing outside of dilapidated Ryman, then inside, then various unnecessary shots of Loretta Lynn pointing out horrible looking “performer’s” toilet. Shot of Johnny Cash complaining about dressing room size. Multiple shots of George Jones gesturing to crappy looking bathroom urinal. More shots of Wanda Jackson getting drunk and bashing down “bathroom partition” with huge machete. Photographs continue as Leeannne’s voice is brought up.)

v/o: The stars had really taken a disliking to their home. But, (sighs) after all, they were musicians, and if there’s one thing you don’t do to a musician is bore them. And the Ryman had become boring. It was time for management to look for a new home.

(Overhead photograph of massive sprawling complex of new buildings, the new Grand Ole Opry.)

v/o: At last, in 1971 a new home was found, and before the move performers gathered for one last Saturday night at the Ryman. Nancy and Kousin Karl were honored with standing ovations. All the stars turned out, including honorary guest President Richard Nixon…

(Live footage of Nixon addressing crowd at the Ryman.)

Nixon: Country music is enrapturing the countryside, and this (expletive deleted) rock and roll has got to go. I tell you if Nixon spots one more (expletive deleted) playing (expletive deleted) I’ll (expletive deleted) sure as (expletive deleted) something Kissinger that (expletive deleted) see like a hot missile. (Waves) Enjoy the show!

(Jump cut to Nixon strumming double-neck electric guitar. He sings along hitting many sour notes)

Nixon (singing): You goddamn hippies I’m coming home tomorrow…and when I Checker’s speech your ass into the slammer you’ll know one sure thing…(screaming, voice cracking) NIXON HAZE IS IN YOUR BRAIN, DON’T KNOW IF I’M EITHER UP OR…DOWN! (Leaping, windmills guitar)

(Jump cut to Nixon limping off stage. Secret Service rush stage, cavity searching everything in sight.)

v/o: Yes, it was some night indeed. And after the last of the cavity searches was complete, the entire cast returned to the stage for The Carter Family’s “Will The Unbroken Circle Break, Or Be Broken Before It Be Fixed?” the curtain coming down upon uproarious applause.

(The Ryman scene dissolves onto the new Opry stage, following night. We see a large movie screen on stage. A film begins to play as the camera dollies in.)

v/o: And on the following night The Grand Ole Opry opened in its new home, just down the street with a special Sunday evening gala performance. Porter Wagoner and others were spotted in the audience watching the opening special movie presentation.

(On the massive movie screen we see Roy Acuff and The Wild Mountain Boys performing “I’m Thinking Tonight Of My Blue Eyes.” The horribly aged b&w footage doesn’t last long enough for Roy and the others to suddenly morph into the rundown Ryman Auditorium. On screen, the camera backs out and clearly we see that a wall of dynamite has been attached to the building’s decaying side. Kenny Rogers looks at the camera, tips his high-impact yellow construction helmet and flicks the detonation switch. All at once we see the Ryman disappear beneath a violent, white-hot explosion. The camera shakes, and we barely hear Kenny murmur, “…Jesus…Oh, Christ! I can’t…Oh, Christ! OH, CHRIST I CAN’T FEEL MY SHOULDERS!!!!!!!)

v/o: That Sunday morning the Ryman was destroyed, and shown to the audience that night. Because of the newly installed Dolby sound system, the film’s violent destructive force could be felt and heard throughout the entire city of Nashville. It was surely something. It marked the end of one era and the beginning of a new, prosperous one. Naturally, not all the performers accepted the Ryman’s total annihilation, but…Nancy and Kousin Karl felt it was for the best.
Late in the evening, Johnny Cash showed up drunk, insisting they replay the “exploding Ryman footage” over and over again. Much to the audience’s chagrin, his requests were fully honored. The footage was somehow looped, Cash then ordering all the exit doors to be “locked and guarded,” thereby forcing the audience to sit thru an additional nine hours of nauseating exploding footage. Nancy was incensed, blaming Cash for his destructive, selfish wish-desires. Not even Cash could escape a severe tongue lashing from Nancy, who would then ban Cash from ever performing at the Grand Ole Opry again.

(Footage from the 1st night dissolves into newer and newer footage, moving thru the years, coming closer and closer to the present day. Leeannne’s voice is brought up.)

v/o: The Grand Ole Opry. An exciting hall of music, friends, banned performances, and a whole lot more…

(Footage dissolves to amusement park. We see funhouses, roller coasters, various other carnival rides.)

v/o: In 1988 Nancy and Kousin Karl opened Opryland. It featured many exciting country music themed rides including, “Dolly Parton’s Womb of Shame,” and the most popular ride in the entire state, “Johnny Crrrrrrraaaash!”

(Footage of screaming children inside roller coaster carts attached to dangling “claws” which whip around at an alarming speed. Everyone looks like they’re about to vomit. At each revolution, the cart comes to a screeching halt, the floors dropping out whereby the “claws” then snatch the passengers and rip them down toward the ground. Just as they’re about to hit the pavement, they snap back up toward the cart seat where the floor returns, and the ride jerks back into motion.)

v/o: Six months later, because of “financial gross negligence” and one hundred and nine reported cases of sexual harassment inside “Porter Wagoner’s Spinning Grope Hole,” the park would close down and be turned into a much more profitable enterprise.

(Photograph of massive one hundred foot black tower.)

v/o: The Elvis Presley Meditation Obelisk was an adjustment, but (sighs) a necessary change for the Opry. A sign of the times, indeed.

(Modern live footage of Opry night: video montage of Vince Gill smashing guitar against Garth Brooks’ backside; June Carter Cash hugging a music stand, Tanya Tucker and Alan Jackson helping June Carter Cash offstage with a glass of water and a blanket; Glen Campbell playing guitar between his legs, Crystal Gale looks on horrified; Eddie Rabbit swinging from Tarzan rope and crashing into a cage of monkeys; reaction shot of Neil Young watching monkeys claw at Eddie while he clearly mouths the words: “What the F happed to this place?” More footage continues spinning, changing at a nauseating pace. At one point we see the shock-rock band Gwar playing alongside an extremely confused reggae band with a bewildered Kenny Rogers singing backup vocals while wearing a tight silver cat suit.)

v/o: We can see the future so clearly now, friends. Indeed it surely is spinning, spinning toward some great cosmic other world where country shall find a new home.

(Cut to close-up of Leeannne wearing astronaut helmet, and as camera back away we realize she’s strapped to the side of an enormous rocket, atop the Opry building. Her facial expression in one of intense dread.)

Leeannne: See you in the stars, folks.

(A fuse is lighted on the rocket, and the wick noisily burns away. Leeannne bites her lip, eyes locked shut. )

Leeannne: G’night, ya’all!

(Her tears pool and mix with her heavy mascara, running down her cheek. She looks into the sky and it appears she begins to mouth the Lord‘s Prayer.)

Soundman (off camera): Leeannne, Bruce says it’ll be fine-

Leeannne: I DON’T WANNA DO IT, BRUCE. I...I DON’T WANT TO DIE.

(Soundman walks into frame, removing a handful of colorful pills from the pocket of his hooded sweatshirt.)

Soundman (comforting): I have some Orange Sunshine, Lee-Lee?

Leeannne: GET THOSE DAMN THINGS AWAY FROM ME, TOM!

(Just then the wick malfunctions and goes out. While examining the fuse, the homemade “country” rocket rolls off of its support frame, revolving toward the edge of the roof. We hear Leeannne’s muffled cries of help, but, alas, the shitty rocket rolls off of the roof and moments later we hear a sickening thud, and then the blocked murmur of rooftop swearing. The camera jiggles and fades to black.)