Son of a Colin! This has gone too far!

Mr. Pessimistic

Ryan's Privates?

We are heading toward a theocracy people...life is going to change dramatically because of the @#%$ whacko's that were elected and subsequently appointed.

Who are the real terrorists!?

Mr. P.

The one thing of which I am positive is that there is much of which to be negative - Mr. P.

I came to get down, I came to get down. So get out ya seat and jump around - House of Pain

HEY! Is that a ball in your court? - Mr. P

I came to kick ass and chew Bubble Gum...and I am all out of Bubble Gum - They Live, Roddy Piper

Niall001

That nipple has a lot to answer for!

In the mean time, you can show U.S. forces blowing the @#%$ out of evil terrorists on the midday news.

But the movie is thats obscene.

Anyway Mr. P, it seems the English agree with you. They have released this statement.

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing
more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee')
and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn
how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no
longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you
must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of
the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will
not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but
only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it
would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of
you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for
a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never
been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed
to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you
are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national
holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of
you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of
a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and
flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea
made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for
tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will
be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine".
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will
be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former
USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get
used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Let us agree, there is no one single reality. Not upon this stage, not in this world, all is in the mind... imagination is the only truth. Because it cannot be contradicted except by other imaginations - Richard Matheson

There are no conclusive indications by which waking life can be distinguished from sleep - Rene Descartes

Edited by: Niall001 at: 11/11/04 2:03 pm


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