Holy Smokes I'm Great
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Lucy Goes to the Jungle
I can't sleep so I thought I'd write a children's story.
Lucy was a chimpanzee that was raised in a laboratory. She was taught many different skills including sign language. The same scientists never stayed long, though, and new scientists would constantly replace the ones Lucy was just getting used to.
After many years, Lucy grew accustomed to laboratory life and became quite fond of watching t.v., smoking, and mixing her own alcoholic beverages in the evening before bed. She changed the channels if she didn't like a particular show and knew how to ask for certain types of snacks when she was hungry.
Lucy loved to interact with the scientists and participated in many experiments which she also enjoyed. She liked attempting to solve all the little puzzles they created for her.
One day, the scientists decided to 'free' Lucy back into the wild. Lucy got her first car ride and was released back into the jungle.
Curious to find out how Lucy was adapting, a couple scientists went back to the jungle to visit her. What they found was a hysterical, starved, Lucy that had lost all her hair and was signing unintelligibly and erratically.
Scared for their lives, one of the scientists shot Lucy in the chest.
As she lay dying, one of the scientists recalled an experiment in which Lucy was given cards with pictures of people and animals on them. Lucy put the animal pictures in one pile and human pictures in another. A curious thing happened when Lucy came to a card with her picture on it. She actually put it in the human pile. Remembering this, the scientist related the humorous accident to the other scientist.
On hearing this, the other scientist looked confused, and using his large brain, summoned the powers of Jesus Christ.
Summoned, Jesus came down on his platinum cloud paid for by friends like you.
"Lucy," said the son of the heavens and whatnot, "your ape soul cannot come into heaven as you are not human. Your soul will go to jungle-heaven."
Lucy made to get up but only managed to lift her right hand. Right before she died she let out a scream so piercingly human that it made one of the scientists guffaw and the other to look on in disgust.
"Silly monkey," said one scientist.
"ape," said the other.
"whatever," said Jesus.