Finished novel but stumped on query >.<

Gao Yu Qing · Thu Jan 06, 2011 9:35 pm

Well, have two firsts under my belt now. Have finished my first novel: a 250,000 word fantasy-ish book titled "Born to Bondage." Read and researched on how to write queries, wrote and rewrote them, and finally sent a letter out to my first choice of literary agents. Which led to the next first-my first rejection letter.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not devestated or anything, I half expected it. Even if my book never sells, I'm still happy I was able to actually finish one. However, I don't want to exhaust any more potential agents or publishers if my query letter doesn't work. I'm kind of embaressed to have people I know irl read it for how it sounds (why I'm considering writing under a pseudonym), and my other online friends I'm afraid are just being kind, or don't have a good ability to judge. So, I return to this forum after a long hiatus in search of dispassionate readers who won't be afraid to give their honest well-reasoned opinions.
Yes, I'm guilty of seeking feedback. I'd be very grateful if anyone was willing to look over the synopsies I've included and give me their honest impressions and thoughts. Not asking someone to write it for me, just what you think as someone unfamiliar with the work reading it for the first time (just like a publisher or agent would be). I'm posting two versions I've written: one of them the one included in the rejected query, the next written as an alternate in light of the rejection.

Paul is a broken man. He’s lost everything that gave his life meaning and has turned to suicide in a final act of despair. Unfortunately he wakes up afterwards to find that not only is he not dead, but things have gotten even worse. Trapped in a fate truly worse than death he makes a bargain with a magical being in order to escape. The price…his freedom.
His first life had been a failure, but now he’s given the chance to become whatever he wants. But what should Paul choose? Who and what is his savior? What is the meaning of the life he once tried to end? Freed from a living hell but indentured to his rescuer, Paul tries to answer these questions as they travel the Multiverse. In the process he finds himself involved in struggles that will affect the fate of millions of people and the future of worlds. A tall order for someone who had been unable to manage his own life.

Paul is a broken man. He’s lost everything that gave his life meaning and has turned at last to the “final solution” to escape it all. Unfortunately he wakes up to find that not only is he not dead, but things are now even worse than before. Trapped on an alien world in a fate worse than death he makes a desperate bargain with the one being that can save him—a giant sorceress named Dawn. The price for escape…his freedom.
Now enslaved to his strange savior, he faces an uncertain future. Through Dawn’s magic, he has the power to become whatever he truly wishes to be. His first life had been a failure, but now he has a chance for a new one, on a new world, with a new identity. What should he choose though? Who and what is Dawn? What meaning does the life he had tried to end now have? As he tries to answer these questions they travel through worlds both familiar and strange, Paul changing both physically and mentally along the way. In the process he finds himself involved in struggles that will affect the fate of millions of people and the future of worlds. At the end of their journeys he discovers that you can only find your life when you surrender it.

Paca57 · Thu Jan 06, 2011 10:18 pm

I am no professional query writer, or agent or publisher...so this is a layman's reply...

Reaction to first query:
It starts very clean and focused but gets a little confusing or vague for me.
How is his fate worse than death?
Magical being? What or who? From where?
How is he losing his freedom if given the opportunity to be anything he wants? Ah, he is indentured... Ok, but...?

I think you leave a lot of questions, and maybe that is good, if you are speaking to a potential reader/buyer. But if you are trying to find an agent or publisher...don't they need to know more? How do you pull this story off as a writer? How much are you able to suspend disbelief? Do things add up? If I was looking to use my time and/or funds to even think about promoting your book, among a thousand others, I would want to see right away...this makes sense, it is creative AND well written, thought through, and the writer has it all filled in. So maybe be brief, but give a little more. Punch me with your story.

Reactions to 2nd query:
For me, this one is better. It answers a few more questions. It still does not feel "tight". But it is better--to my mind. You will probably get a lot of different views.
I actually like the first sentence better in the first query.
But then I like number 2 much better, until...
What should he choose, though? (might change that to, "But what should he choose?"
What and who is Dawn? (seems too late in this paragraph, or somehow out of place. Maybe drop that. We know she is a sorceress and that is enough for now. Or is it her "intentions" you want us to wonder about?)

Anyway, those are some thoughts from a fellow writer with plenty of my own rejections. One rule of writing I have always found helpful--get rid of lazy verbs in form To Be. Is, am, are, was, were, be, been. They steal your power. I see a couple here that I might find stronger choices to replace.

Take care and best wishes with your project!!

Gao Yu Qing · Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:05 pm

Thank you!

I will take your thoughts into consideration. This is exactly the sort of thing I was hoping to see before I go back to reworking the query. Some good catches too. I wrote the second after a long day of work so not at my best.
FYI, from my understanding of what the synopsis part of the query is supposed to be, it's the sort of thing you'd read on the back of a book. Enough to hook and interest you, but not enough to give it away. If an agent likes this, they'll ask for sample chapters or first 5 pages or the like.

(It's funny, but I had changed the one line to "but what should he choose" just after the original post. It bothered me too

)

Natasha Larry · Sat Jan 08, 2011 1:58 pm

I feel your pain. It took me longer to write the query letters for my first two novels than the actual novels themselves. But, once you get the hang of it, its the most important tool you have as a writer. What helped me the most was purchasing a copy of The Writer's Market, not only does it list publishers and agents, but has a very good query letter writing clinic. There are also loads of good sample query letters avalible online. The most important part of the letter are those first three sentences. The hook, most agents and publishers either stop reading there or continue to read.

Here is a sample query letter of my own that has gotten very good feedback from both publishers and agents

Natasha Larry
166 Writer’s Lane
Huntsville, AL 35811
natasha20002000@gmail.com

Editor Name
Editor Addy

Dear Mrs. Motters:

My 105, 800 word novel, Darwin’s Children, is a coming of age, character driven, young adult/contemporary fantasy about the importance of family and friendship with a realistic, paranormal twist.

Realistic stories about people that can do superhuman things have always created a large fan base. Traditional comic book super humans inspired Darwin’s Children, but like all best selling fiction, makes its own path.

16-year-old Jaycie Learner constantly toes the line between being a normal teenage girl and belonging to a vast and constantly evolving supernatural world. But, as the daughter of the vastly powerful telepath, Mason Learner and the pupil of the nearly invulnerable Allison Young, Jaycie is learning that she has little room in her life left for normal

When an Angelic Guardian requests that Jaycie befriend the tortured Haylee Mitchell, she immediately knows that Haylee is special just like her family. Haylee and Jaycie slowly become close friends but Jaycie, due to her telepathic mind, can tell that there is something very dark looming under Haylee’s surface. What she does not know is that their friendship will lead to her requesting a vampire execution to avenge her.

Filled with super humans, six foot tall fairy assassins, psychic vampires and more, this novel will test and strengthen the Learner family bond, leading up to a final climatic ending that forces the Learner’s to stop Jaycie’s frightening omega level telekinetic power from destroying her mind and body.

I believe Darwin’s Children would be a good match for you because….here is where you should personalize the letter based on who you are querying. Most editors and agents have blogs that can help with this.

My poetry and short fiction has appeared in several publications including Writing Edge Magazine and Coffee Break Poetry. In addition, my non-fiction memoir Grey Girl was published in 2007 by Publish America and was subsequently nominated for the 2008 Allbooks Review Editor’s Choice Award. This novel is the first in a series that I’m currently working on (the third is complete and currently being revised). Thank you for considering my novel for representation.

Respectfully,

Natasha Larry

Hope that helps. Good luck to you!

Gao Yu Qing · Sat Jan 08, 2011 9:13 pm

Thank you Natasha. Very interesting hook you have yourself

I've read quite a few of the query-writting guides I've found online, and the final consensus has to be...there's no one way. That's the frustrating thing. There isn't even a consistant format to follow. The synopsis I posted on here was an exerpt from the query letter. It was preceeded by a intro to my book, stating size, genre, and why I chose to contact that agent. It was followed by a paragraph telling them about me. That framework was roughly the most common format I read about.
1 paragraph intro and displaying reason for contact with agent (what you have in paragraph after synopsis)
2-3 paragraph synopsis of book
1 paragraph writer bio
all to be 1 page long.
What I'm afraid of now after reading your post is that there's not enough of a grab in the first couple sentences. Especially when they read the words "first novel" and "250,000 word fantasy." Which will be kind of annoying since the format I'm following doesn't lend itself to that. Query #2 has been re-written and sent, so we'll see--but maybe I'll have to do what all the guides have shown me through their conflicting examples...ignore them all. >.<
Depending on the result of this letter, think I'll mix it up and shove the synopsis to the top. But what I was also looking for from this post was if my hook was any good. When you're so close to the material it can get hard to judge. Was there any curiosity-grabbing value in mine?

Natasha Larry · Sat Jan 08, 2011 9:20 pm

The only change I would make would be to start the paragraph later, "Trapped in an alien world, Paul..." and the rest of what you wrote in your second example. For some reason, starting it there makes it more catchy. Other than that, I would read it.

themanda · Mon May 02, 2011 9:38 am

you might want to check out the absolute write forums. they have a very robust query letter hell section.

remember, too, that you don't really have to worry about ruining your book in the query. you are trying to entice the agent to want to read your book, but they'll be more likely to want to read a partial if they have more of a direction where you're headed with the tale. you're not going after pleasure readers at this point.

good luck!

Karen Fisher-Alaniz · Sun Sep 04, 2011 6:33 pm

First of all, congratulations on finishing the novel! But alas, yes, the query letter can be so much more difficult than the book itself. I mean, you end up having to put your thousands of words into a one page summary. That said, keep the following in mind;

* I agree that the first part is stronger than the middle and end.
* Your word count is way over what is accepted by most agents/publishers. You will need to cut, cut, cut. I know it's impossible to believe now, but you will find that your story will be much stronger with less words. Believe me, we can all cut something.
* Post your query on the Absolute Write, Share Your Work forum. It is a protected forum. But keep in mind that you are in control. It's your story.
*If you haven't already, join a critique group and begin going through the story word-for-word. You should be able to also have them read your query letter.
* If you are truly done with the book - it's the absolute best it can be, keep submitting it, going to conferences, and so forth but start writing another right away.

Hope that helps some. And remember that it's your book so take my advice or leave it. I can only speak from my own experience. And what worked for me might not work for you. ~Karen

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