Criticism Wanted - I Can Take It

ThomasClements · Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:54 am

I recently wrote a poem which I have yet to name, I am thinking maybe 'The Room', but I am not sure.

I would like some feedback, some constructive criticism if that is possible. What are my weaknesses and what are my strengths? There is a double meaning to it as well, interested to see if anybody gets that also. It would be vastly helpful for replies, thanks

Tom

This room is far from stark,
But distorted, grim and foul.
Despair is written all over the walls,
It’s dysfunctional down to the core.

The wiring is faulty,
The atmosphere damp,
The door is bolted,
The foreign exterior shunned.

Lots of things take place in this room,
But that is where they stay.
They happen from day to day,
Sinister notions they are.

I am isolated here,
Forsaken at my own will,
My thoughts are mine and mine only
As nobody can enter this room.

misshapenskies · Tue Nov 22, 2011 2:39 pm

This is so interesting and there is so much to analyse!

First of all, well done because from my perspective this poem is extremely clever

“Stark” = meaning bleak? If the room is far from bleak then surely it is a room of ambiguity and nearly complete? Something to do with the mind? Perhaps you included psychoanalysis (look up Sigmund Freud if you don't know him already) subconciously in your poem - I don't know XD ahah. I believe this is very much a poem of the mind. Your room or box represents the mind, and you've actually used something incredibly simular to Gillian Clarke's "Catrin"

"All over the walls with my
Words, coloured the clean squares
With the wild, tender circles
Of our struggle to become
Separate. We want, we shouted,
To be two, to be ourselves." .. which is basically about a mother and a daughter wanting to become one. The mother screamed her words of anguish (whilst giving birth o.O) against the walls.

ALSO - I feel like you've coded some sort of sense of hope into this poem .. for example ...atmosphere and ..
"My thoughts are mine and mine only" <-- a sense of privacy and belonging... ?

Sorry I just thought this was so interesting

Well done.

ThomasClements · Tue Nov 22, 2011 5:46 pm

I have come to realise that replies are far and few between on this board, or at least in specific topics anyway, so thank you for your comments

I have known of Mr Freud for quite a while yes, and you are correct that the room is in actual fact the mind of a person. I tried to convey a person who is an outcast, troubled and slightly sinister. If I would have spent more time on it I may have been able to convey this more clearly.

But my desire for someone to point out where I could improve my writing, or where it totally blows still exists. I have a few more poems but this one for me stood out the most from my recent writings. I am more of a graphic designer than a writer, but I like to dabble in writing now and then.

hey_you · Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:14 am

The diction is beautiful. In fact, I think it's what makes this poem interesting.

Try working on a smoother flow from stanza to stanza. The structure is a little unsteady. For instance, your opening lines are great because you begin with description and emotion. But then in the second stanza, your tone shifts abruptly. All of a sudden, the poem is devoid of any passion until the last stanza, where you emphasize the solitary conditions of living inside the room.

Honestly, you have potential. The style of open-verse poetry is more difficult than it seems. Check out Whitman or Ginsberg. They're the best at it. Good luck

ThomasClements · Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:29 am

Hey thank you for the reply. I did and want clarity/honesty. It often takes an outsider looking in to see faults and qualities. I will go back and revise thise poem, most likely revise it multiple time

The one aspect of writing poetry I find somewhat difficult is to keep a steady flow throughout that does not dramatically change.

hey_you · Wed Nov 23, 2011 6:57 pm


	ThomasClements wrote: The one aspect of writing poetry I find somewhat difficult is to keep a steady flow throughout that does not dramatically change.

Think of a poem like a Metallica song (One, Unforgiven, Nothing Else Matters). It opens with subtlety and calm rhythm. But after a while, it begins to intensify until it becomes loud and dynamic. Then it slowly softens and returns to its starting point.

Hope this helps.

ThomasClements · Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:53 pm

Interesting advice, I am quite familiar with metallica. Their cover of whisky in the jar was cool, but the songs you dscribed do begin in a very subtle manner, especially 'one'.

Are therer any kind of un-written laws when it comes to poetry writing that most writers know about and I am not privy to by ny chance?

DWill · Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:04 pm

This room is far from stark,
But distorted, grim and foul.
Despair is written all over the walls,
It’s dysfunctional down to the core.

The wiring is faulty,
The atmosphere damp,
The door is bolted,
The foreign exterior shunned.

Lots of things take place in this room,
But that is where they stay.
They happen from day to day,
Sinister notions they are.

I am isolated here,
Forsaken at my own will,
My thoughts are mine and mine only
As nobody can enter this room.

You indicate you're a beginner at this. If you don't read poetry, that's where to begin, because of course there are no secrets or hints or shortcuts to writing poetry. Most writers of any sort would start with models.

I think there is a lack of interesting variety in the syntax of the poem, as well as a few peculiarities of diction. "Foreign exterior shunned" doesn't get through to me; "sinister notions they are" is an awkward inversion. I also don't know what opposition is being claimed in the first two lines: the room is not stark, but it's distorted, grim, and foul? Just in that first stanza I count 6 abstract words that do nothing to create a sense impression. The old adage to show and not just tell is still a good one.

If you look at shorter poems of the lyric sort, they will all have a "turn" at some point, meaning a switch in perspective or at least a summation that will signal that development has occurred in the poem. I don't get a sense of development from your poem. It appears to me as more like a riddle, a series of clues. You said there is a double meaning, so maybe that was your purpose in writing this. I hope you don't mind my approach in commenting on your work.

hey_you · Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:42 pm


	ThomasClements wrote: Are therer any kind of un-written laws when it comes to poetry writing that most writers know about and I am not privy to by ny chance?

T.S. Eliot would say find a “feeling for words, not words for feelings.”

ThomasClements · Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:54 pm

@DWILL nono, I wanted some brutal and blunt criticism and thank you for your comment.
'foreign exterior shunned' was suppose to convey that everything outside of the room (the mind) is somehow unknown and detached. The person distances themself from it.

'sinister notions they are', ah yes. When I wrote that part I did have a few secondary thoughts about the line. But thanks again, I will absorb the advice/criticism and go about revising my writing. After all, as you and I stated I am a beginner

Short but very sweet quote hey_you.

ThomasClements · Wed Nov 23, 2011 11:50 pm

I have taken in what comments have been provided and have done a little revising. I am now famished as I have not eaten yet today o.O Design work and this little revision has taken up my time and motivation. Anyway, here it is, I am sure it can be revised over and over.

This room is hostile and malignant to all.
To tread inside would be senseless
As a deadly serpent plots to bind.
The stench is rancid, rampant, and noxious inside.

The wiring here is faulty,
And the atmosphere damp,
A somewhat defective door is boarded shut,
Repelling the foreign exterior beyond.

Despair is written all over these walls,
The letters seep and infest down to the core.
It’s lunacy to abide in this room,
But it’s somewhat familiar and warm.

I am isolated here,
Forsaken at my own will,
My thoughts are mine and mine only
As nobody can enter this room.

Lots of things take place in here,
But that is where they stay.
They happen from day to day,
But maybe at some point, they will try to escape.

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